Green Eyed Monster

It's an expression here that means someone is jealous and/or greedy. There's usually one in a family. Mine is filled with them. But the worst is my disowned aunt.

Before my uncle Kev passed away, before I was born, my aunt had planned that if my grandparents passed away she would have the house and look after my uncle Kev. My mother would get the rest. Seems innocent until you find out that she would have control over my uncle Kev's bank account, his allowance and herself a carers allowance for looking after uncle Kev. Plus the fact he hated her.

Thankfully that didn't happen. When me and my cousins were born my uncle Kev watched over our prams. Hayley he watched half the time, Lee not at all and myself he never left my side. Even after his death he still kept watch over me. That made my aunt jealous of me. Uncle Kev was a good judge of character.

As I grew older she became jealous of who I am and how I've turned out. I was a quiet and well behaved baby. The first sign of an old soul. As a kid I was withdrawn, mostly cause I was bullied over my weight, but very mature for my age. In my teens she disappeared from my life, except birthday and christmas cards, when I was confirmed in the Church of England. Then after I had turned 18 and unemployed I confronted her.

After my uncle's death my gran became depressed. She lost a lot of loved ones in a short space of time. My mother rang my aunt to ask her to look after her. We lived counties away but my aunt was just a few streets away. My aunt refused. She had disowned my gran in her hour of need and never told anyone why. I wanted answers. I wanted to know why she did that. But when I asked my aunt refused to tell me. I also asked her not to send me cards.

I found before my gran passed away that my aunt had disowned me. It doesn't surprise me. Maybe some people don't want to put the hard work into relationships? Maybe my aunt had built up a life of lies and my existence shattered that illusion?

She turned up to my gran's funeral. 13 years after she disowned gran. I didn't need to go to gran's funeral but I know I'd have confronted my aunt for that act. I think my gran also knew that and arranged for events so I wouldn't be there. Don't get me wrong I love my gran and miss her stories of the olden days dearly but she wasn't suffering any more so why should I suffer.

Since then my aunt has been digging her claws into grampa. He had wrote her out of his will after what she did. But christmas day I over heard him talking to my other gran. He's changed his will to include her. So when he finally passes it's gonna raise hell. I know the damage after that will be irreparable.

My mother already hates my aunt. My aunt just wants grampa's money. My grampa wants my aunt to manage his estate. My mother will have the death certificate, the plot certificate and grampa's medals. My cousins will want money too. My dad will want to get it all dealt with and as he says "death is the ultimate test of a relationship". This will certainly test my family and rip us apart. Personally I'm happy with memories.

I have a new job starting soon and if things go well...I expect my aunt and cousins to be coming after my money too.

Autumn

First off it's been a long time since I've wrote here. Not because I've forgotten but because I've been going through a period of change. I notice these periods are usually timed with the autumn. A time when the energy in the trees goes back to their roots and bright leaves cease to be important. I'm much the same. Shedding my leaves, I go in search for the truth within me, going back to my roots.

This autumn I've found that my gift of seeing spirits is far more than that. I've also found my ability to pick up on other's emotions is also more than just a funny feeling. The hallucinations I saw when I was fighting depression in my teens was more than just images.

First the hallucinations. When I'm very stressed or in danger my mind shuts off. It's the brains way of protecting itself from permanent damage. Under this state I've very little awareness of what I'm doing or what's happened. As a teen, fighting depression and abused by teachers (they put the media reaction above my welfare), I started seeing green eyes and a male voice. This voice kept telling me "you're weak", "you're nothing" and "you're worthless". I dismissed it as the devil on my shoulder.

Within all of us, bar a few, lies our soul and a negative entity. This entity is what's commonly called the devil on our shoulder. These two forces battle with each other. So, in a healthy person, we live in a state of grey. A state where we are either good nor bad but balanced. However this state is not stable and fluctuates between the two. The problems come when one wins over the other.

Understand the world is in balance. Yes, there's a lot of bad things, there's also good...and there's crazy things too. It's all organized chaos. However when a negative entity over takes a person..it's like unleashing a nuclear bomb. Every action you make causes ripples. The nearest to your heart feels those ripples and reacts, sending out their own ripples. Next thing you know calm waters become a choppy sea.

That negative entity of mine wanted to destroy me. It distorted my views, caused a lot of mental health problems (read internal wars), made enemies out of strangers and generally a pain in the backside. Over the years it had left me with a lot of deep scars in my soul, shut my third eye off and left me drained. I had surgery to have my entity removed. It took 4 angels, an archangel and God 2 days to fix me. They used a phoenix feather and a whole veil of angel tears (a single tear can heal a battalion). If it was delayed by a few days...my soul would have been destroyed.

I received an angel blessing. There are 26 different types and each shows what level of protection that soul is under. Understand that these are rarely given, are earned and come with responsibility. I've had two black witches attack me since I received my blessing. One wanted my power to herself, using my ex and curses to get to me, but failed. She was dragged to the council and her third eye closed. She went from happy and carefree to deeply depressed overnight. The other turned up at my house. I have angel markings on my doors. 2 angels greeted him, if he was able to get past them, an archangel waited upstairs with me.

Now for the angels on my shoulder. They're not on my shoulder per say but they do watch over me. In addition to my blessing I have a guardian angel mark. That means an angel is making sure I stay safe. There's also 2 other angels looking out for me as well. I also have several spirit guides and a familiar. It's not a collection but a family.

Now don't go thinking this makes my life all fluffy. No, I still have to deal with stuff life throws at me, I still get sick and still battle with what I see in the mirror. Just means I can look deeper into things and ask questions but not always get an answer. I'm not only a witch but also what's known as an empath. So I can pick up on other people's emotions, the more I care for a person the more intense the feeling, if they're telling the truth or not, etc.

I know this will be a challenge for readers to wrap their heads round and accept. Notability Christians who think all witches are bad and will go to hell. If it makes things easier for you, then feel free to read the above as a work of fiction, an idea I've been toying in my mind for awhile.

My wish for the new year: To be filled with the people I love.

Power of Twitter

Do not underestimate the power of Twitter and it's ability to connect people. Not even in my dreams would I have imagined to meet so many wonderful people. Nor been honoured to speak with people I know I'm very unlikely to meet face to face.

Now I'll keep this post short as I want to share someone else's blog post. We met via Twitter a long time ago. I can't remember how we came to meet but I'm glad we did. Remember my post: Journey to the Light back in February this year? If not just click the link. It was her blog I wrote a guest post for.

She's lovely, very honest and humble. She runs her own mental health business, support groups, runs training courses and she has her own battles with mental health. I've watched her grow, come out of her shell and inspire others. One of the things she does from time to time is vent. She was frustrated with the service her mental health team was giving her when she created the hashtag #DearMentalHealthProfessionals. Here's what happened:

http://beautyfrompainblog.com/2013/09/21/dearmentalhealthprofessionals-a-summary/

I'm honoured to have contributed. Me and Amanda both agree that it's needs to go further than Twitter. It's needs to be made a reality. You can learn all the lessons you want but if you don't put what you've learnt into practice it's a waste.

I hope the hashtag is used to improve mental health services globally and that it is continued to be used as a very valuable tool. It's a voice we, as patients or professionals, aren't given during the service. It allows us to express our needs, our wishes, our hopes, our pain.

Sometimes I will hug you because thank you isn't enough

WildCard

A while back I had been going through a negative period and decided to reward myself for getting through it. So I chose to help ReVamp with their kickstarter campaign. It's funny how I became a fan of ReVamp.

I had just heard of Nightwish and had booked tickets to see them in Manchester. But I wouldn't call myself a metalhead at that point. I had fallen in love with Imaginaerum. The album that had given me my voice back. A pleasure that I thought had died long ago and that I would never enjoy again.

I began reading Anette's blog, fell in love with how caring she is for her fans and wanted to meet her at Manchester. However that wasn't meant to be. Instead Floor had agreed to fill in the gap when Anette left. I wasn't sure what to expect. But I was happy half way through the first song. Definitely won over by Last Ride Of The Day!

The next day I was walking around the city centre, with a lingering hangover and phone for navigation, when a woman walked behind me and I was drowned in a heavenly perfume. No, not the stuff that strangles and chokes you. But if someone smacked you in the face with roses and other pleasing scented flowers you'd be damn close. It took me completely off guard and I blotted upright. With social anxiety still bothering me I was too shy to ask what perfume that was. It wasn't until I got home that I realised that was Floor.

I looked for her music online and found ReVamp. It didn't take me long to fall in love with them...nor to seek other metal bands. But when I heard they were doing a second album and wanted backers for get them touring, it was a no brainer for me to lend a hand, I selected the Bronze package.

So, nearly a week ago, I received the pre-download. I couldn't wait until morning to listen. Oh boy! I went through a whole spectrum of emotions and memories in such a short time. Usually it takes me awhile to relate to a song. Not this time. Such intense feelings of sorrow, fear, anxiety and yet excitement, hope, bliss...to name but a few. Yes, I admit, I did cry. Each song reminded me of various battles with mental health, the lessons I've learnt from them and how much I've changed; yet how far I still have to go.

The following day I thought it would be a brilliant idea to run to WildCard. A few minutes in, I was so lost in the music that I had forgotten to check my breathing, pace and position. Again, WildCard took me for an intense ride and I didn't fight it. This time I enjoyed every moment. By the end of my run I was exhausted and in a state of bliss.

I tweeted:

Wow. Running to the tempo changes in #wildcard is a challenge. Blissfully floor'd. Dank u Floor en ReVamp <3

To my honour and delight, Floor retweeted. I love how twitter allows you to speak with people you'd never have the chance to speak with. Some people brag about meeting people, others collect signatures, but for me it's memories I value most. I still have some things from the bronze package to come, my head is already telling me to think of my bank account but my heart is screaming enjoy the ride. My heart is truly winning. Dank u vanuit mijn hart, Floor en ReVamp (Thank you from my heart, Floor and ReVamp)!

No scar will truly heal. It will remain as a reminder. Let it remind you that you are stronger than before. Let it encourage you to face challenges ahead. ~ D.Nisbit: Journey to The Light 25/02/2012

For preview of WildCard please follow this link: ReVamp – Wild Card
iTunes (UK): https://itunes.apple.com/gb/album/wild-card-bonus-track-version/id677111486
Bonuses include: Infringe and Digital booklet (Don't ask me what it sounds like or what's in the book cause I didn't receive them in the pre-download)
Nuclear Blast (Eur): http://www.nuclearblast.de/en/products/tontraeger/cd/cd-digi/revamp-wild-card.html

Disclaimer: I wasn't paid for this and views are my own.

Toxic Family

Now in my last post I mentioned my aunt and cousin Hayley disowning me. Well I put the following as a status:

inviting me to like pages is nice of you but i'm still deleting my account at the end of the month. Oh, dear family who've disowned me, I'm not surprised and gran was right. But thank you for the life lessons and I hope karma treats you kindly.

That was posted, on my public account which is, in my legal name. See my gran had told me what she expected to happen after she passed away and well I can see her sat at a table, with her head in her hands, saying "Well, bab, I did warn you. No matter. You tried and that's all you can do.". She was a wise woman and I loved listening to her stories. I still love listening to the elderly tell their stories. They can teach us so much.

So for me that was the end of that. However my cousin Lee had other ideas.

I can understand that he's stuck in the middle and that might anger him. But the way he's dealt with it...is for me unacceptable. Surely the better way of dealing with this would of been to ask questions and have a discussion?

Sending abuse and then asking me to ring you won't work. I'm not going to ring someone only to be given more abuse. I had considered ignoring him but then I'd only be as bad as his side of the family. When asked for an explanation they walk off. So you're left either guessing or presuming your words are right.

I had hoped for a reply. Surely he'd be mature enough to give me that curtsey? Wrong.

After that I disowned him. All these years trying not to become like generations past, I felt forced to do the very thing I never wanted to do. I haven't blocked him though. Part of me hopes he'll change...that one day he'll no longer be this toxic person. As a kid he struggled with his anger and was often violent and destructive. When I felt myself going down the same path I was afraid of becoming like him and started to work on controlling my temper.

Cleansing is hard work. I don't regret getting rid of things that are toxic to me. But I am disappointed in his behaviour. Did I expect too much? Was I clear enough in my communication without leaving myself feeling vulnerable? Could I have handled this better?

Even the strongest of women have chinks in their self-made armour.

Getting Organised

It's been too long since I've wrote here. Some days I've fell so low that preparing food was hard work. Others so anxious I didn't leave the house for days. Also feeling disorganised. But I'm hoping to change that soon. Father is hiding a whiteboard at work for me. It was due to be chucked out but instead of just taking it he wants to make sure they forget about it. So the idea will be to write things there so I don't forget.

Dairies, calendars, to do, memos, apps etc are great but I need to see it when I wake up. I have a pin board with my CBT work posted so I can remind myself to do that. It composes of a Welfare Plan. That lists the causes, what therapy tools I can use, what to do if that continues not to work and a reminder belief (which will be this post's quote).

Other sheets on there include progressive goals ie short term, mid term and long term. These do change with circumstances. Either I achieve them or for some reason they become unattainable or I have second thoughts. Like becoming an accountant, as I mentioned in a previous post, is now doubtful due to minor debt (but debt none the less). You see debt, of any amount (like in my case pence), shows you can't manage your money and therefore are not fit to manage other people's money.

With to dos. memos etc, they change often and I don't want to waste paper and ink. Equally I don't use my computer, phone or tablet every day. For example my public facebook gets used so often, once a month at best, I've decided to delete. Now I had been considering that for awhile but something did give me a huge nudge.

I had checked my families pages to see how they're doing and found my aunt Carol and cousin Hayley have disowned me. Yes it hurt but I'm not surprised. You see on my mother's side women disowning each other is very common. It's the next generation that suffers the most.

My aunt had previously disowned my gran because of the very same thing I'm going through with my mother. When I asked my aunt why, she had disowned my gran, she refused to answer and I had to read inbetween the lines. She then became jealous of the person I've become..strong, very honest and kind...apparently very much like my uncle Kev, whom I love and miss dearly.

My cousin I think perhaps because of my gran's funeral. The thing is I was there for gran. When she moved up here I went to see her at lunch. I'd rotate it between her and my other gran. Both liked being called gran (short for granny) so we called my mother's mum gran D and my father's mum gran C. From their last names. I'd spend time with both of them listening to stories, wisdom, learning new skills and laying games. I made sure they were ok.

Gran D had smoked for many years and swore giving up would be the last thing she'd do. Sure enough it was. I told her to cut back 1 each week or day and don't beat herself up if she slips but to keep trying. It worked. The next day she had a stroke and died the next week. The nurses were upset but I hugged them and thanked them for doing their best. From that point I became a pillar of strength for my mother and my grampa.

Gran D had a wide network of friends and family who called to check on us and give sympathy. Every time mother would be in pieces after. I hugged her, sent the dogs to be beside her and made cups of tea. Grampa I helped with organising the funeral. I made sure gran D got what she wanted and kept people informed. On the day my cousin Lee worked (obeying grampa's orders), I was ill and Hayley turned up in her scruffs. After the funeral I was quized and they were angry I didn't go. Far as I'm concerned I was there for her during her life and I'm content knowing she's no longer suffering. Since moving up here (and a few years before) Hayley and Lee didn't have much to do with gran. So I suspect that is why Hayley disowned me.

All of that made me think: it's time for a clear out. Time to systematicly remove negative stuff that's been poisoning me, throwing baggage away that's been dragging me down, slowly changing towards a better life. Slowly. That's the important part. If I do everything away all at once it'll be a shock. By doing away with things slowly it becomes part of life. So when life throws me a storm I hope I'm in a better place to deal with it. Ok I might make mistakes. That's how we learn and there's no shame in that. Also I don't expect life to be all butterflies and rainbows. How can I appreciate the good times without experiencing bad things? Life is a balancing act.

It’s ok to be my imperfect self, to allow myself to make mistakes and to be compassionate to myself.

Changing

So since the 8th of Feb, when I woke with no memory, I haven't felt myself. I haven't been able to look in the mirror and relate to what I see. This change hasn't happened over night. However that event did bring it to my attention.

As a kid I was never girly but more a tomboy. Even back then I couldn't get my head round why girls like wearing dresses..or the colour pink..or pretty things. I preferred shorts and trousers. While girls were going gaga over gelly heels I was quite happy with trainers.

As a teen I found I preferred women. That's when I first started wearing men's clothes. My mother would buy my father clothes but the few she thought he looked girly in she'd give to me. I've always been a size smaller than dad so they were a loose fit. It was during that time that I was called a man. I just laughed it off. It didn't bother me that much.

Now I find myself wearing men's clothes all, if not most, of the time. I'm happy wearing men's clothes. I'm happy having short hair with a "guy's" hair cut.

Before:

Before a date.

Relaxing last summer.

After:

The "I'm not hungover" look...oh yes I was!

One of the lucky first 300. My 22nd birthday treat.

I've always loved hawks..even this baby hawk

A few weeks ago out walking with my dog.

..yes I'm Nishwish fan but no I'm not going to join in on the mud slinging match over who's the best leading lady. Far as that's concerned each has her strengths and weaknesses but brought a new "face" to Nightwish.

So of the last ones, I'm wearing men's clothes, aside from the bottom left. Also in the bottom ones my smile isn't forced or faked. For many years I've worn a mask to hide how I'm feeling. It takes alot of strength to keep that act up. More so if you feel low in yourself.

At the moment I feel like I'm in the middle of change and that I still have awhile to go. Ether way I'm just going with the flow and seeing where life takes me.

Stress

Stress, for me, is not a good thing. I'm having trouble with my ESA claim. So I'm appealing. Because of that I won't be posting about it until it has finished.

But the demands on claimers of both ESA and JSA is now ridiculous. I've been told those on JSA have to record what they do..not 3 things a fortnight but what they do EVERY day. I'm glad I don't have to do that just yet. there is no way I could handle that amount of pressure. I could understand if we had more jobs than people but that's not the case. Last I looked for every post advertised there is 8 people. It's crazy. The government is doing every little to encourage businesses to grow and to produce the jobs that we so need.

Equally starting a business is confusing and costly. To do that you need savings at least. For a young person who has been unemployed for a long time and no family savings to access. Such is nearly impossible. With that in mind I have been looking at what I would need to start a business. If I could get the money I could go on a course to become a personal trainer and do that. It's alot of money..that I don't have.

So because I feel I need to do something I'm thinking of setting up a hobby business. By that I mean something to practise managing a business and that will earn me some pocket money. I'm not so daft to think that for low investment I'll be rich in no time. No a business takes a long time and commitment to build up. This will be more of a project than anything else. The only problem is I haven't figured out what..yet.

Early Bird

Good morning! :D

For the past week I've been waking up early between 6am and 7am then jumping out of bed full of energy. Perhaps it is the weather? In the winter I tend to be lethargic and frustrated...sometimes that frustration can spill over into anger and potential fights within my family. But in spring and summer I'm more relaxed in myself, happy and energetic. I wonder if it's the opposite of my mother or if she's just permanently grumpy.

She moans about everything, constantly judges others, belittles people...for example the oven can be wiped down and most people would consider that clean but for mother to be satisfied it needs to be polished. Another example is how she complains that she's fat and hasn't got time to exercise...but she'll spend three hours or so watching TV. Don't suggest eating whole food (real food, unprocessed food...), cause her diet plan says they're too many sins, due to the fat content. But highly processed food, with sugars replaced with sweeteners and other chemicals, her diet plan says she can eat till the cows come home.

I posted this on my facebook the other day:
Getting tired of mother moaning day in day out. Usually about petty things...how the oven hasn't been polished spotless or the pile of dishes that couldn't fit in the dishwasher the night before...or how lazy I am or what little I do to contribute to the house...or that I don't have to take the dog for a long walk...or how fat she is or what high processed crap she can have but not whole foods or how little time she has to workout while watching her programs for three hours...or comparing people to her imagined ideal of perfection...or complaining about people on benefits and how they can afford a big tv....but I'm the one with the problem not her.

I live with that, frankly, shit. You can understand why I do take the dog for long walks. As for my contribution to the house: I do my own washing, I do my own ironing, I empty the dishwasher (not fill cause apparently me and my father don't do it right) and I pay rent. If you define contribution as money then my father is the main earner and I'm the secondary while my mother brings in nothing. If I was working she wouldn't expect me to do chores...I'd still do my own washing cause if I relied on her I wouldn't have any clean clothes to wear. She also complains about how much I spend which is ironic.

Her wardrobe and chest of draws is full of clothes and at least a dozen shoes...there's also the airing cupboard full of her clothes too. I have 4 pairs of shoes, 4 hoodies, 10 vest tshirts, 2 jeans, 1 black suit and 3 shirts. underwear too, of course. Most need replacing...although some of it can be used in the garden instead or I may make something out of em. None of them are fit for donating to charity shops because they are so worn out...holes, very faded, zips worn out, shrinked perhaps a size..maybe two..label washed out. They really are rags.

I've always been like that. Find something comfy and wear it till there's no life left in it. Maybe if I had a younger sibling I would of passed them down. However I do have three dogs..so maybe I'll make something for them. When I decorate my room I've already promised them my quilt. But I have been getting new clothes. In part it feels weird but nice. I haven't bought this many clothes in about three years. So maybe I can spoil myself abit, no? It's all basic but functional clothes. So far 3 hoodies (Slazenger), 3 tshirts (Fruit of the Loom) and 2 jeans (Matalan). All mens instead of womens. They're comfy, fit me well and that's what matters to me.

No quote today but a question: What do you do with your old clothes and why?

Woolwich aftermath

I'm sure people, by now, are aware of the attack in Woolwich, London in which a young soldier was brutally killed on the streets by a British jihadist. Considering there has been copycat attacks one near by and another overseas, in France, it's not terrorism. Now I haven't looked into those separate attacks myself. I'm not even going to talk about them as it's not my aim for this post. Fact is it happened. Fact is the aftermath has been much worse.

The English defence league (EDL) are an extremist group who are attacking who they think are Muslim...be it personal attacks including violence or attacks on mosques. These events are well documented, as they are happening, on twitter. It is also well known that BNP (british national party. perhaps not extremists but are renown for racism and homophobia) and EDL have been inciting violence and hatred against Muslims...also showing their level of ignorance towards Islam in the process.

After the initial attack, the trigger for this violence, as I didn't know (and in many respects still do not know) much about Islam I asked my Muslim followers on twitter for information. I'm mature enough to admit when I'm ignorant and to then find out about what I'm ignorant about before I form an opinion. Usually I listen to both sides of the argument.

I can understand that EDL and BNP are concerned for our country, losing our national identity, our traditions and concerns for future generations. Such is also my concern. But is violence the answer? What will it solve?? Nothing but create more problems. Violence should only ever be a last resort when all other methods have been exhausted.

I've also had UKIP supporters turn this attack into propaganda for their campaign for Britain to leave the EU. Thankfully I have silenced the one's who tweeted me by linking to definitions of dictatorship, democracy, communism and various other things including an Euler diagram showing how nations of Europe interact with each other.

My best friend is a UKIP supporter also...although we disagree on things, both of us are opinionated and in many respects opposites, we want what's best for the country. Such a relationship by most people's standards shouldn't work. Yet with mutual love, respect and understanding such is possible. I also know we can share brutal honesty and side splitting silliness.

This morning I tweeted (and reposted to my facebook) the following:
Violence is not the way to deal with insecurities. People claim Muslims are violent. Yet they are not returning the violence. Are people so blind with rage and fear they no longer see sense? What makes this country so great is our diversity. Differences are not a threat. They allow us to grow stronger. By sharing new ideas and healthy questioning of debates we can come together to form a better country. Not just for today but for our children and their children. With education and interaction can prejudice be reduced. Such is possible. Remember: how you treat others is how you treat yourself. Harm others and you harm yourself. Love others and you love yourself. I'm aware that Islam does not look favorably on lesbians, however, I wish for peace, love, respect and safety for Muslims.

We can still retain our British identity while sharing other cultures. Traditions change, as does everything, over time. Granted it's a gradual shift. By absorbing different cultures into our society we can improve and enrich our own. More tolerance, more understanding, more respect. To do otherwise would be detrimental to our development. Not just as individuals but as a country.

What do we wish our identity to be? What do we wish the world to see us as? What do we wish to leave our children? What do we want our country to be - divided tribes or a untied kingdom?

Finally, I would like to commend the Police forces, throughout the country, for their hard work and dedication to upholding the law, seeking justice and serving the public. You routinely put your lives on the line to protect us. Thank you.

When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. - Thich Naht Hann

There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. - Edith Wharton

My musical journey

So its been 4 months since I started to get serious into learning guitar. I've had my cheap stratocaster since I was 15 and only passively played. It's not my first instrument - recorder, flute and singing. The first was at primary school and was only taught passively by one teacher...whom I'm convinced hated me. Flute was at secondary school but, apart from my distaste for his teaching method, I found the second octave painful on my ears.

Singing was a strange thing. In primary I couldn't sing. I barely squeaked a raspy "note". Often I kept quiet during assembly and "singing lessons" with the same teacher as before. Classes were often grouped..mainly focused on getting through the song than anything else. I was often teased about my voice.

However, after a bout of depression and at a point where I found my faith, in secondary I joined the Junior choir. It was slow but I worked on the songs and enjoyed the group. A year later I was old enough to join the Senior choir. Due to lack of members these where soon joined into the Gospel choir. Was also had a Staff choir who'd occasionally join us. I was also asked to sing in the county school choir and even sang in assembly in front of my year group. The first time I made a fool of myself because I was very nervous but I redeemed myself the second time. It earned me a lot of respect; even with the popular kids. Outside of school I also joined the church choir in my village, which was a different style to what I was used to but, it pushed me to sing almost daily.

But after I left school a second round of depression took the joy of singing from me. Understand that depression takes your world, chews it up, turns it upside down and spits it out in the dirt. It was only until I heard Nightwish's Storytime (November 2011) that, for the first time in 5 years, I sang. It was raw. Don't get me wrong. Singing is hard work and you won't become good over night. Same with any instrument. Also if you don't keep that hard work up your muscles will "forget" the movements needed.

So with my background in singing and reading sheet music has helped towards learning guitar. From what sources I've used so far there's not much focus on that. It's been more learning chord tabs. So I purposely looked up what scales are used in music and then found images showing where the notes of the scales are on the fretboard. I started with the most basic: C Major (A minor is written the same way).

C Major is simply all the whole notes: C, D, E, F, G, A, B, C. No flats or sharps. This also helps when learning to read music as all the gaps spell: F,A, C, E and the lines: E,G,B,D,F. I always remember FACE by "someone showing a face" or "the gaps are the face of music". EGBDF, however, I use a less polite version: Every Good Bitch Desires Fudge. The idea is to find something that works for you. Maybe "Eternally God Beats Devil's Fury" works?

C Major in 1st position (Image from Guitar Friendly)

The above image is from here: http://www.guitarfriendly.net/guitar-scales-lesson-for-beginners-major-guitar-scales/ . If you'd like more info on C Major and other positions on the fretboard that page will give you plenty to work on for awhile. They said a position per week...I've been at it for 4 days now and I've gotten to 3rd position just going from top (1st) string to bottom (6th) string. It's mostly a case of learning these positions and know what note they are. Having something visual has helped quite a lot. I'm very much a "monkey see; monkey do" kind of person - especially when learning music! That said Guitar Friendly is a great blog for learning guitar and theory.


Finally, because this has been a long post to both read and write, to sum up my relationship with music and the reason why I continue to play:

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life ~ Berthold Auerbach

language learning

I'm still stuck on ESA (sickpay). I'll be stuck on ESA until iAPT give me an appointment and even then I may still be on ESA during treatment. However there have been complications. I had aimed for a career in finance and due to the delay in switch over I may no longer be able to.

It is disheartening but it's been a slap in the face. I never considered a back up career. In fact no one even suggested it. So now I need to research other possible careers. I've had personal trainer and cook floating in my mind. But I'd like to find other career ideas..viable ones. Although I'm good at photography I feel that it's not viable for me as a career. So I have that to research.

I also have been learning to play guitar using several online sites. Due to my small size I might look at 3/4 size and see if it's easier to play. But I can't practice all day every day. So I also bought an old copy of Michel Thomas' foundation Dutch. I'm finding it easier method than the FSI (foreign service institute) German. the later reminds me of my french lessons.

my teacher would play the tape that came with our textbook and make us repeat it over and over. we also had to write it several times and do practice conversations with the person sat next to us. very boring. in fact i spent most of my time doodling in the back of my exercise book. if i was lucky i got to sit next to a window to stare out of. i occasionally got told off for not paying attention which, on all but one occasion, i proved i was. needless to say i dropped french gcse. maybe one day i'll reconnect with it.

the thing that really annoyed me was being told what language i can and can not learn. in each year group there were two sides: german and french. we had to pick a language when joining secondary (high) school. then we were split into tutor groups which we stayed with for the rest of our school days. for the first year we studied as tutor groups. the second year we were spit according to ability into one of five sets (set one being the highest). in the third year only set one was offered to take spanish. the rest there deemed to stupid for it. i was in set two.

i've found Dutch to be similar to english and sort of like a bridge to German. it doesn't surprise me. long ago (medieval possibly before too, not sure) there used to be a trade route through germany, through the netherlands and to england. so it makes sense for the language to travel with that rote and then develop into what we know today. even today language is evolving. i might not like how younger generations are "dumbing down" english but it should be expected. afterall we are no longer talking in nor spelling old english.

despite all this learning i still feel like i'm not doing enough. i guess a slow pace won't kill me but it's frustrating. so my evening will be chatting to m friend in singapore, walking my beloved Bailey and then maybe yoga.

hacking

so i finally have my internet allowance.. whether it lasts me a whole month is another matter.

however recently i've found that several of my emails have been hacked and several attempts of fraud has been picked up by my bank. i'm not the least bit amused. however on the positive side it's the perfect excuse to spring clean my bubble...

i've had these emails for several years now and each has it's own purpose. one for social using my legal name..one for social using my alias (which i tend to prefer)..one for business..just my way of keeping organized. i found it got a little too crowded and complicated keeping everything organized under one email.

now this means i get to start over. new emails. importing contacts. sorting out my profiles..most likely deleting some i no longer use. generally having a good clean up. it also means i need to be more careful in future.

in the past month i've found people to have been manipulating and lying to me for a long time...even to the point for sharing very intimate details with. the whole thing makes me wonder who i can and can't trust.

Emotional Hell

Its been a long time since I last wrote on here..many things have happened.

I've had another relationship and been dumped. Admittedly I wasn't throwing myself into it like I usually do..and I did warn her that I was going with the flow.

I've also lost my sister..unfortunately I don't remember why. I woke up on the 8th Feb with no memory. Slowly things have been coming back..I was told me and my sister had an argument but I don't know what over and she's not talking to me.

Then last week I had my beloved dog, Bonnie, put down..it sounds cruel but she had fought cancer, had her leg removed but the cancer had returned and lived to the old age of 14. The vets had given her 9 months but she lived for another 3 years.

I've also been put on ESA (sick pay)..I do not do sitting on my backside type of resting well..my version of resting is heavy lifting or long walks or gardening..

So, I'm trying not to think. If I do I fall to pieces. Either I burst out in a fit of rage or cry myself into a state of numbness. I'm kind of thankful for that state..a state where I feel nothing, I don't think, I don't even feel much pain.

maybe I care too much about people who don't? maybe relationships are too much like har work for people these days..no one is perfect, things go wrong, bad things happen .I fight against my own deamons in the hope I'll be a better person, if something goings wrong or something bad happens I try fix things...maybe some things are meant to stay broken..

but there is one thing that's keeping me positive: Anette Olzon..most celebs just collect fans. i've met some who do interact with fans. but Anette takes things a step further. she cares about her fans. recently i shared songs with her on spotify and she mentioned them on her blog. so whenever i feel low or lonely, unloved..(yeah that downward spiral!) i reread that post.

seen as i haven't been eating well today i'm gonna go make a peanut butter and banana smoothie, then read and finally sleep. hopefully the neighbours won't sing drunken karaoke again! i haven't sang properly for many years now, because depression took that pleasure from me, i sound awful again but my neighbours sounded worse...

so some music that reflects how i'm feeling..and yes i know it's a strange mix of genres..

Going through Hell? Keep running, throw care to the wind and enjoy the ride!

Journey to the Light

A friend recently posted on her blog about Self-Harm. She included definitions and some of her experience. Even taking the brave step of admitting online gambling.

Fact is self-harm isn't just cutting and isn't just us "crazies" that do it. Please note that I don't mind being called crazy, however, to some people it can be demoralizing. Do you smoke? drink? gamble? over-worked? take drugs (non-prescribed, prescribed, recreational)? if yes to any of those - you self-harm. I could go on but that isn't my aim.

I used to self harm. When I got angry I took it out on myself with cutting. Growing up I was subject to my mother's anger..whatever went wrong in the house I was to blame. I'd be compared to less favourable members of my family, sworn at, belittled and degraded verbally. Occasionally I'd be beaten by my father..be it a fist size black and purple bruise on my arm or an elbow at my throat. I did not want to do that to others. I don't want them to suffer.

Sometimes it would be the other way round - to cut to know I'm alive. There would be times when life would get on top of me or emotions would run so high I'd become numb. A few times I was so numb I couldn't even feel the winter's cold despite my hands being red raw. I wouldn't even feel the cut but I'd see the droplets of blood and know I was alive.

It took me years to stop. I'm not going to lie it was a long hard road full of blood, sweat and tears. First I started writing. before then I had no way of letting my emotions out. I felt isolated. One of my teachers had forced me to expose my scars thinking it would help me...it has been the worst abuse I have faced. It still haunts me. That event isolated me from my peers. Rumours spread. Friends gave me support, others bullied me and the rest I didn't pay attention to.

All these years later I've pin pointed it as a cause of my anxiety - the reason why I avoid people..why I'm afraid to trust. With the internet I can chose to remain under an alias. People like Debs..my legal name - it seems whatever I say comes back as negative.

It started off as writing a dairy and then to poems. Admittedly dark poems but it was how I felt and how I felt was the best way to express myself. But anger was still an issue. That's when I started going to the gym with school. I found that weightlifting made me calm. In the final lesson I was usually horizontal. Eventually I got some dumbbells for christmas. It kept me from throttling people..that and mochas.

During this isolation I was able to think. As strange as it sounds it was only through thinking about death that I understood life. I met spirits whom told me of their experience..how the memories of their time here didn't go away. It still haunted them. Also that not everyone dies. Most are reincarnated. I sure as hell don't want to come back.

The experience made me question my beliefs. I no longer felt part of the church. Again more isolation. But I also had to deal with sexuality. I found I was more attracted to women. There was only one lesbian I knew and I didn't feel I could approach her. I turned to chat rooms. Back then they had no restrictions. That's when I found my ex-fiancée. We shared fantasies, hopes, long conversations and pictures. My mother had looked at my phone and I was forced out. She often took my phone to prevent us from talking. She still hasn't got used to me liking women..apparently I'm to marry and have children.

So I had mother's anger, my sexuality, school, puberty..at times it felt over whelming. I had gone to therapy. It was a relief. My gran being an ex-nurse supported me. She took me to my appointments, we'd have talks about food being medicine and a way to prevent illness, we'd have lunch out. But inside was a different matter.

A dark brick converted 3 storey house. Inside, cream walls and a dark green carpet with yellow dots. I remember the carpet cause I spent the sessions staring at it rather than eye contact. The rooms contained 3 chairs, no windows, a dim light..and so small you could touch each side with your arms open. I was allowed to explore feelings and taught how to deal with them. Finally I was allowed to talk without fear. But it was a drain. There were few sessions where I didn't feel like I had every ounce of energy sucked out of me. The worse was with "the shrink". He fired multiple questions at me before I could even think about the first. To this day I still can't stand several questions at once and refuse to answer.

College was different. It might sound easier but it wasn't. I was thrown into the adult world. But I wasn't old enough to go out drinking..too old to be considered a child. It was awkward age to be. Questioning my sexuality again didn't help. I found that I did like certain men. Very picky. Still picky..but still have bad taste in men. I also had body issues. Might sound strange but I didn't feel like a woman. My breasts were just lumps..my bits I swore had a mind of their own. It took a long time to accept my body as it was/is. There are times when I still feel this way...

The thing I learnt from this period is why suffer twice? I have to deal with the emotional/mental pain with or without physical pain. So why add physical pain? Slowly I changed. Slowly I stopped beating the stuffing out of myself both physically and mentally. I tried different things like yoga, meditation and kettlebells.

I then started to help others. I didn't want the to go down the path I had. It wasn't easy and sometimes I was overwhelmed. I started focusing on being positive on being the change I wanted to see. Most of my posts on twitter are positive. There are times when I don't feel positive and that's ok, afterall, I am human. I hope to inspire other people. By helping others I also help myself. They get help from me. Knowing they'll be better off, even just for the moment, makes me feel good about myself. Like I've achieved something. Like a feeling of purpose.

My thoughts on life:
Life is like a river. We are born at the spring. Travel through it's turns, rapids and waterfalls. We all reach the sea.

My thoughts on death:
This body desires..food water, shelter, sex...the causes of suffering. Death is the freedom of this. Until I am called I am needed to help others. You can't cuddle a spirit like you can cuddle a body.

My thoughts on healing:
No scar will truly heal. It will remain as a reminder. Let it remind you that you are stronger than before. Let it encourage you to face challenges ahead.