Dairies, calendars, to do, memos, apps etc are great but I need to see it when I wake up. I have a pin board with my CBT work posted so I can remind myself to do that. It composes of a Welfare Plan. That lists the causes, what therapy tools I can use, what to do if that continues not to work and a reminder belief (which will be this post's quote).
Other sheets on there include progressive goals ie short term, mid term and long term. These do change with circumstances. Either I achieve them or for some reason they become unattainable or I have second thoughts. Like becoming an accountant, as I mentioned in a previous post, is now doubtful due to minor debt (but debt none the less). You see debt, of any amount (like in my case pence), shows you can't manage your money and therefore are not fit to manage other people's money.
With to dos. memos etc, they change often and I don't want to waste paper and ink. Equally I don't use my computer, phone or tablet every day. For example my public facebook gets used so often, once a month at best, I've decided to delete. Now I had been considering that for awhile but something did give me a huge nudge.
I had checked my families pages to see how they're doing and found my aunt Carol and cousin Hayley have disowned me. Yes it hurt but I'm not surprised. You see on my mother's side women disowning each other is very common. It's the next generation that suffers the most.
My aunt had previously disowned my gran because of the very same thing I'm going through with my mother. When I asked my aunt why, she had disowned my gran, she refused to answer and I had to read inbetween the lines. She then became jealous of the person I've become..strong, very honest and kind...apparently very much like my uncle Kev, whom I love and miss dearly.
My cousin I think perhaps because of my gran's funeral. The thing is I was there for gran. When she moved up here I went to see her at lunch. I'd rotate it between her and my other gran. Both liked being called gran (short for granny) so we called my mother's mum gran D and my father's mum gran C. From their last names. I'd spend time with both of them listening to stories, wisdom, learning new skills and laying games. I made sure they were ok.
Gran D had smoked for many years and swore giving up would be the last thing she'd do. Sure enough it was. I told her to cut back 1 each week or day and don't beat herself up if she slips but to keep trying. It worked. The next day she had a stroke and died the next week. The nurses were upset but I hugged them and thanked them for doing their best. From that point I became a pillar of strength for my mother and my grampa.
Gran D had a wide network of friends and family who called to check on us and give sympathy. Every time mother would be in pieces after. I hugged her, sent the dogs to be beside her and made cups of tea. Grampa I helped with organising the funeral. I made sure gran D got what she wanted and kept people informed. On the day my cousin Lee worked (obeying grampa's orders), I was ill and Hayley turned up in her scruffs. After the funeral I was quized and they were angry I didn't go. Far as I'm concerned I was there for her during her life and I'm content knowing she's no longer suffering. Since moving up here (and a few years before) Hayley and Lee didn't have much to do with gran. So I suspect that is why Hayley disowned me.
All of that made me think: it's time for a clear out. Time to systematicly remove negative stuff that's been poisoning me, throwing baggage away that's been dragging me down, slowly changing towards a better life. Slowly. That's the important part. If I do everything away all at once it'll be a shock. By doing away with things slowly it becomes part of life. So when life throws me a storm I hope I'm in a better place to deal with it. Ok I might make mistakes. That's how we learn and there's no shame in that. Also I don't expect life to be all butterflies and rainbows. How can I appreciate the good times without experiencing bad things? Life is a balancing act.
It’s ok to be my imperfect self, to allow myself to make mistakes and to be compassionate to myself.
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