WildCard

A while back I had been going through a negative period and decided to reward myself for getting through it. So I chose to help ReVamp with their kickstarter campaign. It's funny how I became a fan of ReVamp.

I had just heard of Nightwish and had booked tickets to see them in Manchester. But I wouldn't call myself a metalhead at that point. I had fallen in love with Imaginaerum. The album that had given me my voice back. A pleasure that I thought had died long ago and that I would never enjoy again.

I began reading Anette's blog, fell in love with how caring she is for her fans and wanted to meet her at Manchester. However that wasn't meant to be. Instead Floor had agreed to fill in the gap when Anette left. I wasn't sure what to expect. But I was happy half way through the first song. Definitely won over by Last Ride Of The Day!

The next day I was walking around the city centre, with a lingering hangover and phone for navigation, when a woman walked behind me and I was drowned in a heavenly perfume. No, not the stuff that strangles and chokes you. But if someone smacked you in the face with roses and other pleasing scented flowers you'd be damn close. It took me completely off guard and I blotted upright. With social anxiety still bothering me I was too shy to ask what perfume that was. It wasn't until I got home that I realised that was Floor.

I looked for her music online and found ReVamp. It didn't take me long to fall in love with them...nor to seek other metal bands. But when I heard they were doing a second album and wanted backers for get them touring, it was a no brainer for me to lend a hand, I selected the Bronze package.

So, nearly a week ago, I received the pre-download. I couldn't wait until morning to listen. Oh boy! I went through a whole spectrum of emotions and memories in such a short time. Usually it takes me awhile to relate to a song. Not this time. Such intense feelings of sorrow, fear, anxiety and yet excitement, hope, bliss...to name but a few. Yes, I admit, I did cry. Each song reminded me of various battles with mental health, the lessons I've learnt from them and how much I've changed; yet how far I still have to go.

The following day I thought it would be a brilliant idea to run to WildCard. A few minutes in, I was so lost in the music that I had forgotten to check my breathing, pace and position. Again, WildCard took me for an intense ride and I didn't fight it. This time I enjoyed every moment. By the end of my run I was exhausted and in a state of bliss.

I tweeted:

Wow. Running to the tempo changes in #wildcard is a challenge. Blissfully floor'd. Dank u Floor en ReVamp <3

To my honour and delight, Floor retweeted. I love how twitter allows you to speak with people you'd never have the chance to speak with. Some people brag about meeting people, others collect signatures, but for me it's memories I value most. I still have some things from the bronze package to come, my head is already telling me to think of my bank account but my heart is screaming enjoy the ride. My heart is truly winning. Dank u vanuit mijn hart, Floor en ReVamp (Thank you from my heart, Floor and ReVamp)!

No scar will truly heal. It will remain as a reminder. Let it remind you that you are stronger than before. Let it encourage you to face challenges ahead. ~ D.Nisbit: Journey to The Light 25/02/2012

For preview of WildCard please follow this link: ReVamp – Wild Card
iTunes (UK): https://itunes.apple.com/gb/album/wild-card-bonus-track-version/id677111486
Bonuses include: Infringe and Digital booklet (Don't ask me what it sounds like or what's in the book cause I didn't receive them in the pre-download)
Nuclear Blast (Eur): http://www.nuclearblast.de/en/products/tontraeger/cd/cd-digi/revamp-wild-card.html

Disclaimer: I wasn't paid for this and views are my own.

Toxic Family

Now in my last post I mentioned my aunt and cousin Hayley disowning me. Well I put the following as a status:

inviting me to like pages is nice of you but i'm still deleting my account at the end of the month. Oh, dear family who've disowned me, I'm not surprised and gran was right. But thank you for the life lessons and I hope karma treats you kindly.

That was posted, on my public account which is, in my legal name. See my gran had told me what she expected to happen after she passed away and well I can see her sat at a table, with her head in her hands, saying "Well, bab, I did warn you. No matter. You tried and that's all you can do.". She was a wise woman and I loved listening to her stories. I still love listening to the elderly tell their stories. They can teach us so much.

So for me that was the end of that. However my cousin Lee had other ideas.

I can understand that he's stuck in the middle and that might anger him. But the way he's dealt with it...is for me unacceptable. Surely the better way of dealing with this would of been to ask questions and have a discussion?

Sending abuse and then asking me to ring you won't work. I'm not going to ring someone only to be given more abuse. I had considered ignoring him but then I'd only be as bad as his side of the family. When asked for an explanation they walk off. So you're left either guessing or presuming your words are right.

I had hoped for a reply. Surely he'd be mature enough to give me that curtsey? Wrong.

After that I disowned him. All these years trying not to become like generations past, I felt forced to do the very thing I never wanted to do. I haven't blocked him though. Part of me hopes he'll change...that one day he'll no longer be this toxic person. As a kid he struggled with his anger and was often violent and destructive. When I felt myself going down the same path I was afraid of becoming like him and started to work on controlling my temper.

Cleansing is hard work. I don't regret getting rid of things that are toxic to me. But I am disappointed in his behaviour. Did I expect too much? Was I clear enough in my communication without leaving myself feeling vulnerable? Could I have handled this better?

Even the strongest of women have chinks in their self-made armour.

Getting Organised

It's been too long since I've wrote here. Some days I've fell so low that preparing food was hard work. Others so anxious I didn't leave the house for days. Also feeling disorganised. But I'm hoping to change that soon. Father is hiding a whiteboard at work for me. It was due to be chucked out but instead of just taking it he wants to make sure they forget about it. So the idea will be to write things there so I don't forget.

Dairies, calendars, to do, memos, apps etc are great but I need to see it when I wake up. I have a pin board with my CBT work posted so I can remind myself to do that. It composes of a Welfare Plan. That lists the causes, what therapy tools I can use, what to do if that continues not to work and a reminder belief (which will be this post's quote).

Other sheets on there include progressive goals ie short term, mid term and long term. These do change with circumstances. Either I achieve them or for some reason they become unattainable or I have second thoughts. Like becoming an accountant, as I mentioned in a previous post, is now doubtful due to minor debt (but debt none the less). You see debt, of any amount (like in my case pence), shows you can't manage your money and therefore are not fit to manage other people's money.

With to dos. memos etc, they change often and I don't want to waste paper and ink. Equally I don't use my computer, phone or tablet every day. For example my public facebook gets used so often, once a month at best, I've decided to delete. Now I had been considering that for awhile but something did give me a huge nudge.

I had checked my families pages to see how they're doing and found my aunt Carol and cousin Hayley have disowned me. Yes it hurt but I'm not surprised. You see on my mother's side women disowning each other is very common. It's the next generation that suffers the most.

My aunt had previously disowned my gran because of the very same thing I'm going through with my mother. When I asked my aunt why, she had disowned my gran, she refused to answer and I had to read inbetween the lines. She then became jealous of the person I've become..strong, very honest and kind...apparently very much like my uncle Kev, whom I love and miss dearly.

My cousin I think perhaps because of my gran's funeral. The thing is I was there for gran. When she moved up here I went to see her at lunch. I'd rotate it between her and my other gran. Both liked being called gran (short for granny) so we called my mother's mum gran D and my father's mum gran C. From their last names. I'd spend time with both of them listening to stories, wisdom, learning new skills and laying games. I made sure they were ok.

Gran D had smoked for many years and swore giving up would be the last thing she'd do. Sure enough it was. I told her to cut back 1 each week or day and don't beat herself up if she slips but to keep trying. It worked. The next day she had a stroke and died the next week. The nurses were upset but I hugged them and thanked them for doing their best. From that point I became a pillar of strength for my mother and my grampa.

Gran D had a wide network of friends and family who called to check on us and give sympathy. Every time mother would be in pieces after. I hugged her, sent the dogs to be beside her and made cups of tea. Grampa I helped with organising the funeral. I made sure gran D got what she wanted and kept people informed. On the day my cousin Lee worked (obeying grampa's orders), I was ill and Hayley turned up in her scruffs. After the funeral I was quized and they were angry I didn't go. Far as I'm concerned I was there for her during her life and I'm content knowing she's no longer suffering. Since moving up here (and a few years before) Hayley and Lee didn't have much to do with gran. So I suspect that is why Hayley disowned me.

All of that made me think: it's time for a clear out. Time to systematicly remove negative stuff that's been poisoning me, throwing baggage away that's been dragging me down, slowly changing towards a better life. Slowly. That's the important part. If I do everything away all at once it'll be a shock. By doing away with things slowly it becomes part of life. So when life throws me a storm I hope I'm in a better place to deal with it. Ok I might make mistakes. That's how we learn and there's no shame in that. Also I don't expect life to be all butterflies and rainbows. How can I appreciate the good times without experiencing bad things? Life is a balancing act.

It’s ok to be my imperfect self, to allow myself to make mistakes and to be compassionate to myself.