Emotional Hell

Its been a long time since I last wrote on here..many things have happened.

I've had another relationship and been dumped. Admittedly I wasn't throwing myself into it like I usually do..and I did warn her that I was going with the flow.

I've also lost my sister..unfortunately I don't remember why. I woke up on the 8th Feb with no memory. Slowly things have been coming back..I was told me and my sister had an argument but I don't know what over and she's not talking to me.

Then last week I had my beloved dog, Bonnie, put down..it sounds cruel but she had fought cancer, had her leg removed but the cancer had returned and lived to the old age of 14. The vets had given her 9 months but she lived for another 3 years.

I've also been put on ESA (sick pay)..I do not do sitting on my backside type of resting well..my version of resting is heavy lifting or long walks or gardening..

So, I'm trying not to think. If I do I fall to pieces. Either I burst out in a fit of rage or cry myself into a state of numbness. I'm kind of thankful for that state..a state where I feel nothing, I don't think, I don't even feel much pain.

maybe I care too much about people who don't? maybe relationships are too much like har work for people these days..no one is perfect, things go wrong, bad things happen .I fight against my own deamons in the hope I'll be a better person, if something goings wrong or something bad happens I try fix things...maybe some things are meant to stay broken..

but there is one thing that's keeping me positive: Anette Olzon..most celebs just collect fans. i've met some who do interact with fans. but Anette takes things a step further. she cares about her fans. recently i shared songs with her on spotify and she mentioned them on her blog. so whenever i feel low or lonely, unloved..(yeah that downward spiral!) i reread that post.

seen as i haven't been eating well today i'm gonna go make a peanut butter and banana smoothie, then read and finally sleep. hopefully the neighbours won't sing drunken karaoke again! i haven't sang properly for many years now, because depression took that pleasure from me, i sound awful again but my neighbours sounded worse...

so some music that reflects how i'm feeling..and yes i know it's a strange mix of genres..

Going through Hell? Keep running, throw care to the wind and enjoy the ride!