A friend recently posted on her blog about Self-Harm. She included definitions and some of her experience. Even taking the brave step of admitting online gambling.
Fact is self-harm isn't just cutting and isn't just us "crazies" that do it.
Please note that I don't mind being called crazy, however, to some people it can be demoralizing. Do you smoke? drink? gamble? over-worked? take drugs (non-prescribed, prescribed, recreational)? if yes to any of those - you self-harm. I could go on but that isn't my aim.
I used to self harm. When I got angry I took it out on myself with cutting. Growing up I was subject to my mother's anger..whatever went wrong in the house I was to blame. I'd be compared to less favourable members of my family, sworn at, belittled and degraded verbally. Occasionally I'd be beaten by my father..be it a fist size black and purple bruise on my arm or an elbow at my throat. I did not want to do that to others. I don't want them to suffer.
Sometimes it would be the other way round - to cut to know I'm alive. There would be times when life would get on top of me or emotions would run so high I'd become numb. A few times I was so numb I couldn't even feel the winter's cold despite my hands being red raw. I wouldn't even feel the cut but I'd see the droplets of blood and know I was alive.
It took me years to stop. I'm not going to lie it was a long hard road full of blood, sweat and tears. First I started writing. before then I had no way of letting my emotions out. I felt isolated. One of my teachers had forced me to expose my scars thinking it would help me...it has been the worst abuse I have faced. It still haunts me. That event isolated me from my peers. Rumours spread. Friends gave me support, others bullied me and the rest I didn't pay attention to.
All these years later I've pin pointed it as a cause of my anxiety - the reason why I avoid people..why I'm afraid to trust. With the internet I can chose to remain under an alias. People like Debs..my legal name - it seems whatever I say comes back as negative.
It started off as writing a dairy and then to poems. Admittedly dark poems but it was how I felt and how I felt was the best way to express myself. But anger was still an issue. That's when I started going to the gym with school. I found that weightlifting made me calm. In the final lesson I was usually horizontal. Eventually I got some dumbbells for christmas. It kept me from throttling people..that and mochas.
During this isolation I was able to think. As strange as it sounds it was only through thinking about death that I understood life. I met spirits whom told me of their experience..how the memories of their time here didn't go away. It still haunted them. Also that not everyone dies. Most are reincarnated. I sure as hell don't want to come back.
The experience made me question my beliefs. I no longer felt part of the church. Again more isolation. But I also had to deal with sexuality. I found I was more attracted to women. There was only one lesbian I knew and I didn't feel I could approach her. I turned to chat rooms. Back then they had no restrictions. That's when I found my ex-fiancée. We shared fantasies, hopes, long conversations and pictures. My mother had looked at my phone and I was forced out. She often took my phone to prevent us from talking. She still hasn't got used to me liking women..apparently I'm to marry and have children.
So I had mother's anger, my sexuality, school, puberty..at times it felt over whelming. I had gone to therapy. It was a relief. My gran being an ex-nurse supported me. She took me to my appointments, we'd have talks about food being medicine and a way to prevent illness, we'd have lunch out. But inside was a different matter.
A dark brick converted 3 storey house. Inside, cream walls and a dark green carpet with yellow dots. I remember the carpet cause I spent the sessions staring at it rather than eye contact. The rooms contained 3 chairs, no windows, a dim light..and so small you could touch each side with your arms open. I was allowed to explore feelings and taught how to deal with them. Finally I was allowed to talk without fear. But it was a drain. There were few sessions where I didn't feel like I had every ounce of energy sucked out of me. The worse was with "the shrink". He fired multiple questions at me before I could even think about the first. To this day I still can't stand several questions at once and refuse to answer.
College was different. It might sound easier but it wasn't. I was thrown into the adult world. But I wasn't old enough to go out drinking..too old to be considered a child. It was awkward age to be. Questioning my sexuality again didn't help. I found that I did like certain men. Very picky. Still picky..but still have bad taste in men. I also had body issues. Might sound strange but I didn't feel like a woman. My breasts were just lumps..my bits I swore had a mind of their own. It took a long time to accept my body as it was/is. There are times when I still feel this way...
The thing I learnt from this period is why suffer twice? I have to deal with the emotional/mental pain with or without physical pain. So why add physical pain? Slowly I changed. Slowly I stopped beating the stuffing out of myself both physically and mentally. I tried different things like yoga, meditation and kettlebells.
I then started to help others. I didn't want the to go down the path I had. It wasn't easy and sometimes I was overwhelmed. I started focusing on being positive on being the change I wanted to see. Most of my posts on twitter are positive. There are times when I don't feel positive and that's ok, afterall, I am human. I hope to inspire other people. By helping others I also help myself. They get help from me. Knowing they'll be better off, even just for the moment, makes me feel good about myself. Like I've achieved something. Like a feeling of purpose.
My thoughts on life:
Life is like a river. We are born at the spring. Travel through it's turns, rapids and waterfalls. We all reach the sea.
My thoughts on death:
This body desires..food water, shelter, sex...the causes of suffering. Death is the freedom of this. Until I am called I am needed to help others. You can't cuddle a spirit like you can cuddle a body.
My thoughts on healing:
No scar will truly heal. It will remain as a reminder. Let it remind you that you are stronger than before. Let it encourage you to face challenges ahead.
