Love

I'm not going to go into all mushy lovely dovey stuff..no that's more rose tinted glasses than reality. I'm a romantic, don't get me wrong, I do enjoy things like walking hand in hand and date nights etc. Reality is that relationships are hard work.

While out running I thought about what I was running away from and what I was running to. Her. The way I let my emotions take control and became the way I behaved. I was a complete, put politely, foul mule. That night I made my way round to hers to apologize for the way I behaved, the way I treated her, the way I spoke to her. It was unacceptable. Frankly I'd have given myself a black eye! I'm not violent..unless you consider death by cuddles violence..

She wasn't in, however, she did contact me when she found out I had been round. I was lucky that she wanted to speak to me at all. We arranged to meet in the woods to talk. Seems we always have our serious talks in there. But we spoke openly and honestly. I told her what I thought of a text she had sent me earlier..that maybe she regretted what she did and that she does have feelings for me. Also told her I'd leave the door open to friends or relationship whichever she decides. I know what I want but she needs to work out what she wants and how she feels.

A couple of days ago she decided on staying friends. She still doesn't know how she feels and thinks it'll take awhile for her to work that out. I'm gonna wait anyway. It's hard some days, longing for what we once had and hoping we'll be stronger but, knowing it may never be anything more than - just friends. regardless I'm thankful and happy she's back in my life.

Love is a bird. Let it go and if it comes back it is yours.

Strength

I am strong.

It means different things to different people. Some think it only refers to physical strength..the ability to lift large amounts of weights. Some it is the ability to physically endure something..like say climbing or walking in storms with a heavy pack on your back. Some it is the ability to endure mental pain and over come it...such as depression. Some it is the ability to pick yourself up as quickly as possible when life goes wrong. Me? Perhaps it's a combination of all of those..

Mentally, I know, I'm strong. I'm able to pick myself up quickly but also able to endure alot of mental pain over a long period of time. Not everyone can do that. But in dealing with such amount of stress over a long period of time it's made me sick: 2 major bouts of depression, numerous minor bouts, anxiety, blockage of Chi in my liver. That's just the mental aspect.

Recently my partner dumped me. It was after a trip away. I went through the whole grieving procedure - denial, crying, anger and acceptance. However it took me awhile to get my head round why. That night, after she told me, I burnt myself to the ground. I took my heaviest kettlebells and worked my butt off. Starting with the 6kg I did single hand swings, a flow (dead lift, goblet squat, power press, halo twists (each side)) and finally TGU. When I could no longer lift the 6kg I dropped to the 4kg and repeated until my entire body was on fire. Of course I always stretch before and after workouts.

It worked for me. I had no energy left to cry myself to sleep. The following day I was itching to do something. Don't forget that we had saw each other most days and done something be it setting up camp or walking or whatever. She showed me what I was missing in my life - action. For so long I've been cooped up and using spare time being an info-junkie. Believe me if I want to dig up info I will find what I'm looking for. Even a friend who's in the police mentioned that it should be a career I should consider.

So instead of sitting around I went to my local swimming pool. Researched the cost of swimming lessons. £24 for a block of 5 lessons over 5 weeks with the course lasting 15 weeks approx. Until I get onto the Duke Of Edinburgh Award I plan on going once a week, period permitting, just to get used to being in the water. As a youngster I had nearly drowned which knocked my confidence greatly. Thankfully a kind woman gave me a few pointers. She was an instructor who had just come off duty and had come over to the pool I was in to relax. That was the keyword - relax. I was so tense.

With kettlebells and swimming you need to relax and focus on what you're doing otherwise you will get hurt. They both use the same muscles. Kettlebells is an all over workout that is felt most in stability muscles before you feel it in major muscles. In other words my wrists feel the burn before my biceps. However emphasis is put on shoulders and hips. This is mostly cause they're the weakest joints and the parts that are worked on most. It's the same with swimming. I noticed I used my shoulders more to pull/push me through the water and my hips to keep me raised and supply power to my legs. By hips supplying power I mean that by contracting and extending I can increase the force in my kick than by just using my legs alone.

So in those few days I managed to pack alot in. Instead of drawing out grieving or diving for the ice cream/comfort food I made the effort to focus on me and to improve myself. I know that unless I burn myself  to the ground and/or drag myself to the floor I won't recover nearly as quick. That is what I did. It's only by being honest, humble and kind to yourself that you can make changes with yourself, your life and eventually other's lives.

I'm in the process of planing for my future. So far I'm focusing on pushing to getting my Silver in Duke Of Edinburgh Award. It's been months trying to arrange for a centre closer to home. I can't afford to travel far every week. Once I've finished paying for my current course I'll be able to look at new options or start things. It's something positive to focus on.

"I focus my energy on moving forward"

Time Flies

I can't believe it's been a whole month since we became a couple. Everything has snowballed. My life is now full of twists and turns like feathers dancing in the winds.

We've not wasted any time. We've seen each other every day if not most days. It's strange that returning to my lifestyle before I met her no longer agrees with me. It's wonderful, energetic and always interesting. Although it does make planning hard I'm enjoying this new pace of life and savouring each moment. I finally feel like I'm getting my old active life back.

The coming months are making me nervous. I'll be taking a huge risk but I know if I can pull it off it'll be worth it. It'll open alot of doors for me, not just on a personal level but, in terms of work. The range of jobs I'll be able to apply for will open up, I'll be able to socialise more and do things I've always wanted too..budget permitting of course.

Storm

Since I last wrote my life has been turned on it's head. It's gone from quiet and sedate to a whirlwind of activity. The new lifestyle change has triggered my anxiety. But it is a reminder that I need to take things slow and to look after myself.

I thoroughly enjoyed welcoming her home. We met up for a short walk around the woods and talked. Mostly about very personal stuff that still causes us pain. It's great that we can be so open and honest with each other. I stayed that night. Managed to get a few hours sleep. I've spend days and nights recovering from it.

We've seen each other pretty much every day since. When we're not together we message each other. The way she treats me she spoils me. Always saying good morning and good night to each other, always walking me home, always making sure I'm ok, always holding hands when we're walking together. Suppose it's because I've never been treated so well.

Young Love

For months I have been eyeing up this girl who walked by the bus stop. Each time I'd turn to mush, my knees buckle and my throat dry up. Ok my throat doesn't dry up any more but she still catches my breath and makes my heart skip a beat.

I finally gave her my number. She asked me a question and we passed the time. I sat at the back of the bus on the top deck. Thankfully she followed me but sat opposite. I wrote my number on a pad, I always have one in my handbag, asking her if she wanted to go on a walk sometime. Just before getting off the bus I passed it to her. My stomach was in knots and my face felt like it was on fire.

The first date we walked along the beach, through the woods and through the fields. We visited each others houses and families. Talking and laughing for hours. The next day we got together. I didn't so much as ask. No I made a subtle comment to which she agreed. Since then everything has snowballed.

2nd date we went on a longer walk, along the cliff tops, through the fields. Again talking laughing but this time holding hands. It was like a shot of caffeine. I didn't care who saw us..passing by..peeping through their net curtains..I felt safe and loved.

These 2 weeks are going to be hard. She's away camping. Can't receive pictures on her phone either and no internet access. However we have planned another date for when she gets back. A walk along the beach and watching the sunset together.

~ Absence makes the heart grow fonder ~

Time

..is something we all have and it always seems like it's slipping away. So I'm going to, or at least try, make the most of it.
Yesterday I had aimed to hand out 10 CVs to local employers..didn't hand over a single 1. After 2 years of unemployment it's disheartening..even more is hearing that people younger than you are getting jobs you want. But I have to remind myself that I am no longer cheap labour. I have little experience but I haven't sat on my backside doing nothing. I've been volunteering, studying, self-studying, keeping active. Apparently more than what most people my age are doing. Thankfully my E-CV is doing slightly better with 3 site views this week. Better than nothing.

The things I'm self-learning include German and guitar. Partly out fun, partly cause I have time and partly cause I love my sister. She's German and went to great lengths to learn English so it feels right to reciprocate that. Guitar..well I had originally been inspired by my ex fiancée..of course after breaking up with her I hadn't picked it up for awhile. But after deciding not to take up singing again and the ordeal of perusing singing lessons; I picked my guitar up and I'm now looking into a global company based in Yorkshire for grading. Maybe one day I can earn some pocket money busking on market day. :)

Make no mistake I did and I'm slowly coming back round to enjoy singing but I found when I went for lessons all that was joyful was sucked out of me. It is hard work. It is no different to weight training. You are working out muscles around the mouth, larynx and diaphragm. You're training them to move in certain ways and drilling those movements into them. With weight training you're training your muscles, usually in isolation (depending on what training you're doing), to lift heavy weights and you're doing it in certain movements. Guitar is just as hard work..training fingers to move in certain patterns.

~ Life is hard but it is short ~

~ my sister ~

That tingling feeling of anticipation mixed with the fear of the unknown and the desire to live or be rebellious. For a moment, breath caught, a beat skipped. The rush. The thrill. The excitement.

All this from ordering and printing off a ticket. I haven't had a period of my life that felt this good in a long time. So consumed by daily life and humdrum that I had forgotten what it was like to really live.

I'm so thankful for my big sister. Her love and support gives me a reason to live, makes breathing that bit more pleasurable and hope for the future. ok she's crazy and a bad influence but i love her anyway. She might live in another country, not blood or legally related but that doesn't matter. It doesn't make me love her any less. Nor does it stop me from telling her how much i love her or sharing moments with her like sunsets, songs, poems etc.

Finding My Voice

Once upon a time I used to sing in 2 choirs, school gospel and my local church, until life got in the way.


I started singing after I beat the first round of depression at 15 but at 16 the second bout took everything I found pleasure in and cast it to the wind. Up until now I've had no urge to sing. No desire to pursue the pleasures I once had.


I'm thankful for Nightwish's Storytime. In 2 days after watching the video and hearing it for the first time my voice has returned..rusty, out of tune and rather raw. But the pleasure is back. I even got told to shut up lol. So perhaps I should consider re-investing in singing lessons? 


My priorities in my finances would certainly have to change. I'm even considering getting back into cycling..I'd need to fix the bike, get a new helmet etc.


I feel like my life is taking another twist and it's been too long since I was this excited. :D

Travel Planning

I'm kind of excited but nervous. i've been planning a trip out of town to see Nightwish live..but it means traveling on my own and staying overnight in a city.
being a country girl doing that seems odd..i've visited cities near by. they were grotty, dirty and tense. i've never been to this city so i hope it's better than the one's i've been to.
the plan is to get there early via the train, explore a little and take a few shots. hopefully i won't get hassled for using my camera..then see nightwish in the afternoon. sleep..although i'll probably need peeling off the ceiling if i can take photos..the next day, check out, explore a little more and head home.
well that's the plan at least..whether i can pull it off without arguments with my family is another matter..

Joining

So after joining Google+ when it first came out i've only JUST got round to exploring it's features...this should be interesting as to what i dig up. :)