Defending Myself

The potential for my entire life to be turned upside down is very much a real possibility. Oh, I'm under no delusion that it is impossible. I have experienced too much and heard many stories not to expect it.

My relationship with my best friend could have been left in ruins beyond repair. Both of us like fixing problems. So we've since talked. I ignored him for a few days. It allowed me to spend time with myself. I had no idea just how much time I spend with him on a regular basis.

The first day I barely knew what to do with myself. Then realized that I can suddenly do things I wanted to. Like reading, working out and focusing completely, taking my time to stroll round the headland, self-teaching guitar and Dutch again. All the things I put on hold while I take a call.

It's made me realize just how important discipline is. Just simple acts of saying "no". I've made exercising a priority, for the sake of my mental health, that means not letting anything distract me from that task. It might annoy people when I don't answer their phone call but I need to take care of my needs. Besides there's always the option of texting. Those, I do eventually respond to, when I take a break.

During the course of being separated I also realized just how much I depend on him. I've been working out ways that I can have separate interests and investments. For a long time I've been working on my own little business. Little is an understatement.

I had the idea of running an estore, starting off on ebay and building up. With ebay and paypal fees it becomes difficult to make profits. For some items I've researched, I'm amazed that they can break-even, never mind profit. Some websites I've looked at, which would make stock management a walk in the park, charge a fortune for those services. Regardless, I'm not in a position to start anything until after my trial.

In a few days I'll be stood in court. I rung my advocate over two weeks ago and I've still not heard from her nor the agency. So I'm fighting alone. Quite honestly it doesn't surprise me. Those who say they'll be there for me are often not when I need help...or offer help that isn't ideal. Whatever happens I'm ready to move on. I never intended to stay on ESA for the rest of my life. While I have one friend pushing for me to reapply if I lose, part of me sees it as a form of prison, an endless cycle. It would also delight my mother who has taken every opportunity to put pressure on me.

"You've put weight on, haven't you? I've lost a pound." Every woman puts some weight on during her monthly cycle. Since my breakdown, nearly 4 years ago, I've put on 15kg and have 5kg to go. I also get called lazy so-and-so for spending a day or two in my pjs. Just cause I'm not spending all day doing her bidding doesn't mean I'm lazy. I've already mentioned exercise which is often every other day.

Most of the work I do for my best friend involves brainstorming business strategies, putting some of them into action myself and the rest allowing my best friend to put into action. Plus fighting my social anxiety and all the little bits I do like my laundry, dusting, vaccuuming, reading, writing, drawing etc. Going to Mind, their social group, personal development course and other activities and events.

While she spends most of her time sitting down or cleaning the kitchen till every tiny speck of dirt is remove and every idea is in a set place. Every morning I get a clean spoon out to make a cup of tea. The other day I put 2 spoons of sugar in my cup, 2 spoon of loose Assam leaves and set it down while I waited for the overfilled kettle to boil. She put the spoon in the dishwasher, without asking if I was using it, as she began routinely cleaned. I admit to using different spoons for different drinks, such as herbal tea with and hot chocolate with soya milk (believe me that is not a pleasant combination), but I dislike waste such as that.

So I had arguments with my best friend, a missing advocate, pressure from family and unwanted advances from members of the social group. For over a year I've been wearing men's clothes. People at Mind haven't seen me wear anything else. One member asked me questions such as "Do you hate being a woman?", "Do you want to be a man?" and considering this member is gay, I'm guessing he wants to get in my boxers, which isn't going to happen.

When I cleared out my closet of women's clothes I only kept vest tops. I decided to wear one publicly. The sun was out, boiling hot and I felt confident in my figure. In the back of my mind I was running through CBT strategies. I was nervous about other people marking remarks but worst I had memories of sexual abuse. While wearing men's clothes...no pervert had made an advance on me. Instead I receive looks of respect. Most people mistake me for a man and I'm ok with that. I don't mind being called sir, gentleman or young man.

The last lesson of the course. We played egg drop. The class split into 2 teams and we had to make sure an egg, dropped from height, would remain intact. Both teams succeeded. The rest we spent playing card games and draughts. At the end one person made comment. "You look weird." He emphasized weird and repeated it 3 times. To each I just sat there saying "ok". Later he texted me saying I should get a tan. To which I replied "That is a tan". I have pale skin that burns easily but doesn't tan.

I could have slipped into old habits, refused to wear it again and add to my anxiety. But I didn't. Thankfully I was able to talk with a fellow crossdresser at the social group about it. He understands just how hard it is and commented appropriately "ooh, you look summery today."

"Don't ever mistake my silence for ignorance, my calmness for acceptance and my kindness for weakness." 

Chains

Halal meat is the meat Muslims deem fit to eat. It has gripped some parts of the uk internet much like the horse meat scandal. Meat that has been Halal slaughtered hasn't been labelled correctly. I've have chosen not to eat Halal for two reasons:

   1) I believe it is animal cruelty (I have been brought up knowing how my food gets to my plate)
I'm aware that in the uk 80% of animals for Halal slaughter are stunned. How do I know I'm not eating the other 20%? It's not good enough for me. I prefer animals to be killed as humanely as possible and that includes being stunned, so they can't feel anything, followed by cleanly cutting the head off.

   2) I do not believe in an Arab pagan moon God.
I don't believe in an Arab pagan moon God. I believe in a moon Goddess and sun God. So eating meat blessed in the name of a deity I don't believe in is against my personal faith. That does not mean I want to stop others from eating Halal or practising their beliefs. I feel that labelling Halal meat from other meat would be perfectly acceptable and allows others to make their own choices of if they wish to eat it or not.

Over on a facebook book page a graphic video on Halal, showing the slaughter of a pregnant cow, was posted. My best friend text me calling me gutless for not wanting to watch it. I replied with my reason why I didn't want to watch and that he had insulted me. His reply was "I should have worded that differently". Thus meaning he wasn't sorry and that he thinks I'm weak.

The following day, over the phone, he called Muslims as all foreigners, dark skinned and terrorists. I gave him a piece of my mind. Surprisingly without swearing. He wants respect for his religion and yet disrespects another. I know of white skinned, British born and raised, Muslims who wouldn't harm people. I have a crazy idea called: coexistence.

He then brought up the subject of religious education. Every time I pointed out that it's there to teach kids, about other people's beliefs, how they live and not to teach what individuals should believe, he kept trying to change the subject. He then went on about fighting off two guys to impress a girl, who turned out to be a chat bot, as if she was a game.

The next two days he said he'd ring at certain times cause he wanted to talk to me about something. I wasted two afternoons waiting for calls that never came. He called when I was in the bath and then wanted me to get in touch with him. Without sarcasm, I replied that I was busy. I had just gotten out the bath, gotten dressed and about to go cook dinner. Followed by settling down for the night and going to sleep. Instead of asking he assumed it was sarcasm and give me an excuse. He then rung me knowing that I was busy as if he expected me to answer. At which point I had lost my temper with him.

I gave him a long message of what he had done to hurt me over the past week and told him I want to be alone for awhile. Why should I put up with being hurt so much by someone, who claims to care about me, so carelessly? He gave me a long message claiming that putting a tone of voice would make a difference. When I finally listened the following afternoon - it didn't. He only repeated his excuse for not calling. I ignored his clear attempts at buttering me up, calling me strong, saying he doesn't want to fight me but for our relationship. He dealt a deep blow and expects an excuse to cover that. It's like putting a band aid on an open artery.

I simply replied that I have lost trust in his words. He then tried to make it out that I was depressed and, using magic, force himself on me. Thing is I wasn't depressed at all. Even so I am capable of healing myself after a betrayal. So having that forced on me was another insult. Since Mia betrayed me, over a year ago, I've become a lot stronger but less trusting of people. I have come to expect to be hurt by others. In my experience it is those closest to you that hurt you the most.

He accused me of not following advice I had been given in a dream. Yet, I was, at that very moment. On the night of the 12th, I had a dream where I was chained by two people by my wrists. Another approached me from the front and said he wanted to talk. I unpicked the locks using magic, told him "you chained me up and you want to talk to me? Nah, doesn't work like that." and walked off. He tried following but I punched him in the face. 

Since then I've sorted my private facebook out so he can't see half of my posts. I admit I vented my anger via sharing links and pictures I've found in my feed that I've set to friends only. It's my private facebook, nothing gets shared publicly, if I can help it. On my public, I posted that standing up for myself doesn't mean that I have depression and people who think that need help.

This is all on top of drama from my mother. Aside from the odd tantrum she's slowly becoming more supportive. My father has also been causing drama...getting violent over petty things. His temper is like that of a volcano: dormant for a long time but erupts violently and is over just as quick. Both of them wanting me to move out and claiming I have no purpose in life because I'm stuck on esa. I also have my esa trial coming up after dwp contractor, atos, claimed to be able to read my mind and that my social anxiety is none existent. My parents don't know because I know they'll make a mountain out of a mole hill.  Regardless of the outcome, if my anxiety does flare up again, I'll be looking at claiming for disability.

"You do not have to believe but you must understand."

Quote from my first Religious Studies lesson, September 2003.

A letter to myself

Dear my 13 year old self,

Very soon things will take a turn for the worst and you'll spend the majority of your life fighting demons. Your mother has failed to teach you how to be a normal and healthy adult. She has been trying to break you since childhood. Stay strong. It's what will keep you alive.

Shortly the daily routine of being sweared at, called all the names under the sun, compared to black sheep of the family and general bullying will take it's toll on you. You will exhaust every option available to you. Friends will abandon you, bullies will be everywhere you look, teachers will abuse their power, social services will believe your mother, police will threaten to arrest you. You will forever be alone. You always have felt alone, isolated and introverted. I'm afraid this won't change.

Before your 18th you will fight depression. You will be seen as weak and attention seeking. You are far from weak. You'll beat depression twice and without any help. The suicidal feelings will stop but may creep in from time to time as life throws at you many storms. You will quit self harming but may rarely cave in.

I'm proud of you. Soon you will find someone you love but you will break stereotypes and the law. In your early teens you will come out as a lesbian. You've never had an issue exploring your sexuality and will indulge your curiosity. Switch off in sex education. It only teaches you how to be raped. Break the law and watch porn, as unrealistic as the scenes are, it's your only source of education at the time.

You'll be engaged before your 16th. You will feel her pain. I mean every pain...stubbed toes, burnt thighs, broken knee...yet she's miles away. Sure, you'll get engaged but it won't last. She'll cheat on you with her best friend and then ask you for relationship advice. By all means help her but for heaven's sake stick the middle finger up at her!

In your college years, things won't calm down. Oh no, my dear, they're merely picking up. You'll be accosted by a middle aged man. You will never feel any pleasure on that cheek again. Don't confide in your mother. She'll only call you stupid.

Your 18th year will be the best you'll have in a long while. Enjoy it while you can. It's a smooth year filled with fun, confidence and sun. The only regret you'll have is not doing more of the enrichment activities like rock climbing and walks in Dalby forest up on the North York Moors. You can always do those things another time.

Then into the harsh world of capitalism. You'll be treated like dirt. Old men will continue to harass you. You'll work for an agency. It's been awhile since you've had a boyfriend. This one you'll meet at work. You'll overhear the interviews, give your opinions and make the final call. The two guys will fight for your affection. One will insult you without realizing it. The other will rape you.

To make things worse you'll soon lose your job for having panic attacks. You'll be overwhelmed with the stress you have tolerated since childhood. It will nearly destroy you. Before your 13th you already experienced being over weight and now you will face the other extreme. The panic attacks will cripple you.

You be bed bound, lose 20kg in a month, have 24+ attacks a day. In your darkest hour you will wish never to wake up. When you are finally given treatment, you will wrap up in 4 layers of clothes, while everyone else is in tshirts. You will need support to walk and slowly hobble to the bus stop.

During therapy you will give 110%, be drained of what energy you have and begin a long process of recovery. Seek alternative therapy like chinese medicine. Trust me it will save your life and change it for the better. Remember how you didn't like your fruit and veg? You do now!

Long ago you started researching food as medicine. Now you'll crave to learn more about healthy diet and exercise to the point where you'll be using yourself as a guinea pig and dishing out advice. Those that do listen will reach their goals. You will do something you've always been afraid to do and enjoy it so much you'll be addicted: running.

You'll also discover your spiritual side is much more than what the church can handle. Just before they throw you out, a spirit will warn you and you won't step in a church to worship again. You'll wonder around looking at zen Buddhism before stumbling on wicca. While dancing in the middle of the night isn't your cup of tea you'll be awakened to who you really are. All the crap these 10 years will throw at you will make sense.

This is merely a taste of the craziness you'll experience. Don't worry you'll be teetotally sane throughout despite what others may think. But the key piece of advice that will save your life:-

Stay strong, my dear, because I love you

Listening

Those who know me know I can't stop myself from helping people in need. Be it general advice, dealing with mental health issues, outdoor advice (ranging from odd gardening tips to bits I've picked up from bushcraft), health and fitness, food and so on.

Back in late March my mother had to go to hospital to sort her high blood pressure out. It shocked her and father. For the first time in my life I saw fear in his eyes. He asked me to help her. I had told her what she needed to do 5 years ago. She didn't listen then and she's not listening now.

Day to day she hasn't been listening nor paying attention to other people in the house. She uses her high blood pressure and agoraphobia as excuses for preferential treatment. On the anxiety scale agoraphobia is pretty low whereas, my condition, social anxiety is pretty high up the scale. Do I want preferential treatment? No. I want someone to ask if I'm ok and listen to what I have to say. It's not much to ask for from my parents. So I've been giving her the silent treatment as I'm fast running out of civil options.

Most conditions can be treated through good diet, at the very least reduce the symptoms, even mental health. 5 years ago she wanted to lose weight. She was eating fad dieting products and not doing much exercise, mostly cardio. I told her to drop the fad products (eg diet, low fat, fat free, no sugar etc), eat her veg, fats and reduce carbs and do some weights.

The latest diet thankfully has most of the above. She's focused on cardio ie walking around the block. Although it's stopped during her period. She's also using the punishment reward method ie if she doesn't lose weight she's doing a mile on the cross trainer. She hates it and she doesn't even use it properly. She won't let me help her with her workouts cause she knows I'll make her do them right. This method is just going to set her up for failure and reduce her self esteem...if she has any left.

Now my best friend asked me for health and fitness advice, since both he and his dad are having a competition between them, to see who can lose the most weight. His dad has chosen to go to the gym for an hour every day. I asked what my best friend usually eats and what his goals are. From that we worked out a mini plan. It's not set in stone, cause life happens, but it gives him the freedom to adjust it to his lifestyle. He's dropped 2 jean sizes in 3 months while his father has dropped 1. Proves what happens when people do listen to me.

Listen not to reply but to understand

Dreams

A theatre filled with people in period dress. The stands lined with dark oak chairs with red cushions. On the stage a black grand piano. Looking in the small mirror I carried in my purse I saw my face from a previous life. A woman with slightly tanned skin, light blue eyes and blonde hair.

A single man entered the stage and calmly sat down. The stands hushed into silence. He began playing but it was far too modern. It was minimalist classical. He stared at me throughout the whole night. Behind the curtain, peering round and staring at me, his wife whom I was her mistress.

Back then, people married to meet needs and climb social ladders, not for love. My husband was a womaniser. Eventually I agreed to be his mistress. People knew. I was an open secret. Every street I walked people would stare. Not in lust nor disgust but in a kind of respect.

In another dream I sat by my little sister's bed. I had tucked her in. Her eyes tired but her smile beaming with joy. "sister, play for me, please" in her sweet voice. I'd pick up the guitar next to me. A gift. My left gliding across the cat gut strings and my right plucking each note. The same music from the concert. Slowly she'd drift off to sleep. During the day I'd play for her, she'd sing and dance.

The music was key. It didn't fit. I had no idea where to start looking. Classical music isn't my preference. the closest I get is gospel and metal. Gospel I find soothing. Metal takes it's roots from blues, rock and classical. At least the metal I prefer.

A friend posted a video on instagram and the music hit me. I searched spotify for Ludovico Einaudi but I had never heard of him nor his music before. His music just like in my dreams. I cried. The stress and emotions I had been building up washed away. Followed by confusion. How is this possible? To dream of music you've never heard before and then find it by chance.

Follow your dreams...wherever they may lead you.

Battles

For the past month I've been in a few fights. Hey I said being angel blessed doesn't mean my life is all fluffy in my post Autumn. Note the names will be changed to protect both the individuals mentioned and myself. 

Over on facebook I had liked a page about crystal magick. Ever since I was little I've been interested in different stones and mother nature still amazes me what she can create. This page was run by a couple Drake and Amy. He openly called himself a war mage and she a crystal witch. Both claimed to be grey.

While we all have to balance our soul and negative entity we can only use white or black magick. They were also running a defence class where he taught the techniques he uses. During a lesson I picked up on the feeling of distrust and asked my guardian to go talk to him. 

Now I didn't summon an angel. I'm no where near strong enough to do so. To be honest I don't want to have that much power because I'm scared it'll corrupt me. Understand that I can ask but he can always say no which I respect his choice. But he chose to go. 

He got rid of the dark angel Drake had summoned a long time ago. By doing that it then allowed for him to start healing and for his brother to come through to him. I then opened my big mouth and told him this. Under Drake's code he sees sending aid as an attack and then sent me an attack.

The thing that irked me is the fact he hadn't published this code of his. How can anyone respect it if they don't know? What if that was a kid instead of me? He'd have killed the poor thing.

So him and Amy then publicly stated me off while trying to get support for themselves and blocked me from both pages. While they were doing that they were sending me attacks (came as mild but sudden headaches near my crown) and boasting that I wouldn't last 30 seconds.So you lucky mortals get to shout, scream, etc and walk away. Witches get all that plus the psychic attacks. Once a witch's power is taken...they're mortal and it'll be their last life. They wanted my powers. They wanted to kill me.

I informed my guardian of the headaches and he traced it straight to Drake. Over that night my guardian and a higher raked angel, who looks after both of us, dealt with Drake and Amy. His supported had plotted an attack against me while my angels were dealing with them.

I traced the new headache to them. 4 of his supporters surrounded me, used techniques from the class, attacked me from all four angles. Thankfully my guardian has been teaching me how to fight. I created 3 clones to fight 3 of them while I took 1 on. It was a lot to concentrate on at one time and draining.

My swords I carry at all times on my soul and know how to use them. I could have taken a few limbs off but thought I'd better just leave scars instead. When they realized that sword fighting alone wasn't going to work they started throwing fireballs at me. They took the 2 clones out on my left and right of me and taking each other out. I caught the one in front and threw it back; taking him out. Same with the clone behind me; also taking them out.

Then 2 more supporters turned up, a male and female, both felt stronger than the 4. The female threw a jet shield at me, I threw some of my power into it and turned it back into a monkey puzzle tree. She was a little gob smacked at that. The other had a roman shield and sword. Man, was I thankful those were what my guardian used to train me with and that I'm quick drawing and returning my swords from their sheaths.

I automatically moved out of the way when he shoved his shield towards me and tried stabbing me. I blocked his sword with my right sword, moved quickly to his right side, swung my left sword to his neck and moved the right sword to behind his heart. At this point the council turned up and hauled us to the chambers for an emergency trial (normally they're arranged rather than on the spot).

On the council are a team of gods and goddesses (other beings too if they've earned it) who work together yet each of them having their own work to do. For trails a witch or witches gets called to the chambers. In between hearings we're free to carry on as normal. In front behind a long curved table sit the council (not every member sits every case so these change). The witch or witches get sat on a stool or stools in the middle. Any viewers sit by the doors.

I got asked to state what had happened and asked what I had learned. After my guardian had mentioned this was my first offence I was to be given a slap on the wrist for opening my big mouth. The 6 supporters were dragged in and I was asked if I wanted to view their trial but I declined. Thinking that was the whole thing over I instinctively went to check on Sally.

She was laid on the hotel bed. Restless but otherwise unharmed. She helped me out of a dark place, treats me with respect and love. In return I've helped her and will do so until we agree to go our separate ways. She was travelling for work but very nervous. So I had been sending her positive energy to calm her.

Someone had followed me, but thinking it was a spirit coming to see Sally, I asked him to go away which he did. I gave her the last of my energy I had left and fell asleep next to her. I didn't wake up there. My guardian had sent me back to my inner sanctum cause Drake came after me again. Both Amy and Drake were bounded and dragged to the chambers. I was put on recovery for just over a week.

I turned up for sentencing the next night. Outside the chambers, while waiting for everyone to turn up, Drake taunted me by boasting how powerful he was...when you're bound you can't do a damn thing. My guardian could have stayed to watch the case but chose to look after me instead. He does have a messenger who's been keeping him updated. Drake boasted how he was god-like...the council didn't take kindly to that and one god wiped the floor with him. Both given the choice to go white or be terminated (meaning they'd become mortal and this would be his last life).

That said, it came to light that Drake wasn't using his own powers. I had picked up on Drake's power and had said to my guardian that I wasn't sure if he was on par with my guardian or weaker. My guardian mentioned this to the council. They found out Drake's power was white but was using the powers of a black priestess.

Each witch has crystals which contain their power. I have 5 attached to my soul. 1 for each element of the pentagram. If I wanted I could give 1 to someone. The black priestess knew she was going to be terminated and put her power into a crystal and 4 other artefacts (she could have chosen anything..sword, book etc). By doing that there was a possibility of her coming back. 

We don't know how Drake had gotten hold of her crystal. Amy is a crystal reader and knew this. She wasn't strong enough to hold her own power and the black priestess's power but Drake was. Amy kept the crystal hidden on her.

At that point the higher ranked angel and a few others went to fetch her. Unfortunately for her she left a trace of her essence when she came to absorb my powers during the first attack with my guardian. Stupidly she tried putting a curse on him too. So through that essence she was tracked down. This crystal then needed to be destroyed (any other objects she had put her power in would also be fetched and destroyed) by the supreme council. There's 3 councils each for white and black sides. 

At the last minute both Drake and Amy admitted ignorance in front of the supreme council. Their sentence is starting from the beginning as white witches with the council watching every heart beat. Meaning they'll be under my rank (I've only been training for a few months but after being given an angel blessing I was moved up a few ranks) and have to relearn everything from scratch. They both have life debts (these last eternity and they can be called to do anything the person they owe chooses) to a few people which they'll find out about in a few years time. Both are to have 5 mortal lives after this one. The curse will bounce back to Amy during this lifetime. All damage they've done to others is to be reversed. I've had the charges against me dropped as I had exposed a serious threat and since my first fight went so well I was rewarded with a gem on my staff.

After this event my guardian became Sally's guardian too because I care so much for her. Once Drake's supporters realised that he had lost the power he once had they came to threaten both me and my guardian. Someone else I've been recently looking after by sending positive energy and protection magick is Wendy. She doesn't know that I've been doing so. I'm afraid of being attacked again for helping.

His supporters, different ones this time, had noticed I had been doing some work at Wendy's. They tried to copy her soul, much like an actor tries to become someone else, and her best friend, Flower, too. It didn't work. I had worked with Flower right at the being of my path when I was learning to astro travel. They revealed themselves eventually. 1 tried to grab me and the other started to pull a demonic sword out of it's sheath.

I tapped my staff on the floor and took us to the council chambers. No swords are allowed in the chambers. A bolt of light shoved them out of the main doors. I took a moment to chat to a few council members while they were off duty. My worry was that I wasn't good enough, that I was on the wrong path and that I felt over whelmed. They reassured me I was doing better than expected and they were proud of what I had achieved in such a short time.

It's made me more careful of who I trust, how much more training I need and the stark reality of the path I've chosen to walk. I'm glad I'm a tiger soul, a balance of extremes, the white stripes of a loving nature and the black stripes of a brave fighter.

Respect is everything.

I know this will be a challenge for readers to wrap their heads round and accept. If it makes things easier for you, then feel free to read the above as a work of fiction, an idea I've been toying in my mind for awhile.