A letter to myself

Dear my 13 year old self,

Very soon things will take a turn for the worst and you'll spend the majority of your life fighting demons. Your mother has failed to teach you how to be a normal and healthy adult. She has been trying to break you since childhood. Stay strong. It's what will keep you alive.

Shortly the daily routine of being sweared at, called all the names under the sun, compared to black sheep of the family and general bullying will take it's toll on you. You will exhaust every option available to you. Friends will abandon you, bullies will be everywhere you look, teachers will abuse their power, social services will believe your mother, police will threaten to arrest you. You will forever be alone. You always have felt alone, isolated and introverted. I'm afraid this won't change.

Before your 18th you will fight depression. You will be seen as weak and attention seeking. You are far from weak. You'll beat depression twice and without any help. The suicidal feelings will stop but may creep in from time to time as life throws at you many storms. You will quit self harming but may rarely cave in.

I'm proud of you. Soon you will find someone you love but you will break stereotypes and the law. In your early teens you will come out as a lesbian. You've never had an issue exploring your sexuality and will indulge your curiosity. Switch off in sex education. It only teaches you how to be raped. Break the law and watch porn, as unrealistic as the scenes are, it's your only source of education at the time.

You'll be engaged before your 16th. You will feel her pain. I mean every pain...stubbed toes, burnt thighs, broken knee...yet she's miles away. Sure, you'll get engaged but it won't last. She'll cheat on you with her best friend and then ask you for relationship advice. By all means help her but for heaven's sake stick the middle finger up at her!

In your college years, things won't calm down. Oh no, my dear, they're merely picking up. You'll be accosted by a middle aged man. You will never feel any pleasure on that cheek again. Don't confide in your mother. She'll only call you stupid.

Your 18th year will be the best you'll have in a long while. Enjoy it while you can. It's a smooth year filled with fun, confidence and sun. The only regret you'll have is not doing more of the enrichment activities like rock climbing and walks in Dalby forest up on the North York Moors. You can always do those things another time.

Then into the harsh world of capitalism. You'll be treated like dirt. Old men will continue to harass you. You'll work for an agency. It's been awhile since you've had a boyfriend. This one you'll meet at work. You'll overhear the interviews, give your opinions and make the final call. The two guys will fight for your affection. One will insult you without realizing it. The other will rape you.

To make things worse you'll soon lose your job for having panic attacks. You'll be overwhelmed with the stress you have tolerated since childhood. It will nearly destroy you. Before your 13th you already experienced being over weight and now you will face the other extreme. The panic attacks will cripple you.

You be bed bound, lose 20kg in a month, have 24+ attacks a day. In your darkest hour you will wish never to wake up. When you are finally given treatment, you will wrap up in 4 layers of clothes, while everyone else is in tshirts. You will need support to walk and slowly hobble to the bus stop.

During therapy you will give 110%, be drained of what energy you have and begin a long process of recovery. Seek alternative therapy like chinese medicine. Trust me it will save your life and change it for the better. Remember how you didn't like your fruit and veg? You do now!

Long ago you started researching food as medicine. Now you'll crave to learn more about healthy diet and exercise to the point where you'll be using yourself as a guinea pig and dishing out advice. Those that do listen will reach their goals. You will do something you've always been afraid to do and enjoy it so much you'll be addicted: running.

You'll also discover your spiritual side is much more than what the church can handle. Just before they throw you out, a spirit will warn you and you won't step in a church to worship again. You'll wonder around looking at zen Buddhism before stumbling on wicca. While dancing in the middle of the night isn't your cup of tea you'll be awakened to who you really are. All the crap these 10 years will throw at you will make sense.

This is merely a taste of the craziness you'll experience. Don't worry you'll be teetotally sane throughout despite what others may think. But the key piece of advice that will save your life:-

Stay strong, my dear, because I love you

Listening

Those who know me know I can't stop myself from helping people in need. Be it general advice, dealing with mental health issues, outdoor advice (ranging from odd gardening tips to bits I've picked up from bushcraft), health and fitness, food and so on.

Back in late March my mother had to go to hospital to sort her high blood pressure out. It shocked her and father. For the first time in my life I saw fear in his eyes. He asked me to help her. I had told her what she needed to do 5 years ago. She didn't listen then and she's not listening now.

Day to day she hasn't been listening nor paying attention to other people in the house. She uses her high blood pressure and agoraphobia as excuses for preferential treatment. On the anxiety scale agoraphobia is pretty low whereas, my condition, social anxiety is pretty high up the scale. Do I want preferential treatment? No. I want someone to ask if I'm ok and listen to what I have to say. It's not much to ask for from my parents. So I've been giving her the silent treatment as I'm fast running out of civil options.

Most conditions can be treated through good diet, at the very least reduce the symptoms, even mental health. 5 years ago she wanted to lose weight. She was eating fad dieting products and not doing much exercise, mostly cardio. I told her to drop the fad products (eg diet, low fat, fat free, no sugar etc), eat her veg, fats and reduce carbs and do some weights.

The latest diet thankfully has most of the above. She's focused on cardio ie walking around the block. Although it's stopped during her period. She's also using the punishment reward method ie if she doesn't lose weight she's doing a mile on the cross trainer. She hates it and she doesn't even use it properly. She won't let me help her with her workouts cause she knows I'll make her do them right. This method is just going to set her up for failure and reduce her self esteem...if she has any left.

Now my best friend asked me for health and fitness advice, since both he and his dad are having a competition between them, to see who can lose the most weight. His dad has chosen to go to the gym for an hour every day. I asked what my best friend usually eats and what his goals are. From that we worked out a mini plan. It's not set in stone, cause life happens, but it gives him the freedom to adjust it to his lifestyle. He's dropped 2 jean sizes in 3 months while his father has dropped 1. Proves what happens when people do listen to me.

Listen not to reply but to understand