Defending Myself

The potential for my entire life to be turned upside down is very much a real possibility. Oh, I'm under no delusion that it is impossible. I have experienced too much and heard many stories not to expect it.

My relationship with my best friend could have been left in ruins beyond repair. Both of us like fixing problems. So we've since talked. I ignored him for a few days. It allowed me to spend time with myself. I had no idea just how much time I spend with him on a regular basis.

The first day I barely knew what to do with myself. Then realized that I can suddenly do things I wanted to. Like reading, working out and focusing completely, taking my time to stroll round the headland, self-teaching guitar and Dutch again. All the things I put on hold while I take a call.

It's made me realize just how important discipline is. Just simple acts of saying "no". I've made exercising a priority, for the sake of my mental health, that means not letting anything distract me from that task. It might annoy people when I don't answer their phone call but I need to take care of my needs. Besides there's always the option of texting. Those, I do eventually respond to, when I take a break.

During the course of being separated I also realized just how much I depend on him. I've been working out ways that I can have separate interests and investments. For a long time I've been working on my own little business. Little is an understatement.

I had the idea of running an estore, starting off on ebay and building up. With ebay and paypal fees it becomes difficult to make profits. For some items I've researched, I'm amazed that they can break-even, never mind profit. Some websites I've looked at, which would make stock management a walk in the park, charge a fortune for those services. Regardless, I'm not in a position to start anything until after my trial.

In a few days I'll be stood in court. I rung my advocate over two weeks ago and I've still not heard from her nor the agency. So I'm fighting alone. Quite honestly it doesn't surprise me. Those who say they'll be there for me are often not when I need help...or offer help that isn't ideal. Whatever happens I'm ready to move on. I never intended to stay on ESA for the rest of my life. While I have one friend pushing for me to reapply if I lose, part of me sees it as a form of prison, an endless cycle. It would also delight my mother who has taken every opportunity to put pressure on me.

"You've put weight on, haven't you? I've lost a pound." Every woman puts some weight on during her monthly cycle. Since my breakdown, nearly 4 years ago, I've put on 15kg and have 5kg to go. I also get called lazy so-and-so for spending a day or two in my pjs. Just cause I'm not spending all day doing her bidding doesn't mean I'm lazy. I've already mentioned exercise which is often every other day.

Most of the work I do for my best friend involves brainstorming business strategies, putting some of them into action myself and the rest allowing my best friend to put into action. Plus fighting my social anxiety and all the little bits I do like my laundry, dusting, vaccuuming, reading, writing, drawing etc. Going to Mind, their social group, personal development course and other activities and events.

While she spends most of her time sitting down or cleaning the kitchen till every tiny speck of dirt is remove and every idea is in a set place. Every morning I get a clean spoon out to make a cup of tea. The other day I put 2 spoons of sugar in my cup, 2 spoon of loose Assam leaves and set it down while I waited for the overfilled kettle to boil. She put the spoon in the dishwasher, without asking if I was using it, as she began routinely cleaned. I admit to using different spoons for different drinks, such as herbal tea with and hot chocolate with soya milk (believe me that is not a pleasant combination), but I dislike waste such as that.

So I had arguments with my best friend, a missing advocate, pressure from family and unwanted advances from members of the social group. For over a year I've been wearing men's clothes. People at Mind haven't seen me wear anything else. One member asked me questions such as "Do you hate being a woman?", "Do you want to be a man?" and considering this member is gay, I'm guessing he wants to get in my boxers, which isn't going to happen.

When I cleared out my closet of women's clothes I only kept vest tops. I decided to wear one publicly. The sun was out, boiling hot and I felt confident in my figure. In the back of my mind I was running through CBT strategies. I was nervous about other people marking remarks but worst I had memories of sexual abuse. While wearing men's clothes...no pervert had made an advance on me. Instead I receive looks of respect. Most people mistake me for a man and I'm ok with that. I don't mind being called sir, gentleman or young man.

The last lesson of the course. We played egg drop. The class split into 2 teams and we had to make sure an egg, dropped from height, would remain intact. Both teams succeeded. The rest we spent playing card games and draughts. At the end one person made comment. "You look weird." He emphasized weird and repeated it 3 times. To each I just sat there saying "ok". Later he texted me saying I should get a tan. To which I replied "That is a tan". I have pale skin that burns easily but doesn't tan.

I could have slipped into old habits, refused to wear it again and add to my anxiety. But I didn't. Thankfully I was able to talk with a fellow crossdresser at the social group about it. He understands just how hard it is and commented appropriately "ooh, you look summery today."

"Don't ever mistake my silence for ignorance, my calmness for acceptance and my kindness for weakness." 

Chains

Halal meat is the meat Muslims deem fit to eat. It has gripped some parts of the uk internet much like the horse meat scandal. Meat that has been Halal slaughtered hasn't been labelled correctly. I've have chosen not to eat Halal for two reasons:

   1) I believe it is animal cruelty (I have been brought up knowing how my food gets to my plate)
I'm aware that in the uk 80% of animals for Halal slaughter are stunned. How do I know I'm not eating the other 20%? It's not good enough for me. I prefer animals to be killed as humanely as possible and that includes being stunned, so they can't feel anything, followed by cleanly cutting the head off.

   2) I do not believe in an Arab pagan moon God.
I don't believe in an Arab pagan moon God. I believe in a moon Goddess and sun God. So eating meat blessed in the name of a deity I don't believe in is against my personal faith. That does not mean I want to stop others from eating Halal or practising their beliefs. I feel that labelling Halal meat from other meat would be perfectly acceptable and allows others to make their own choices of if they wish to eat it or not.

Over on a facebook book page a graphic video on Halal, showing the slaughter of a pregnant cow, was posted. My best friend text me calling me gutless for not wanting to watch it. I replied with my reason why I didn't want to watch and that he had insulted me. His reply was "I should have worded that differently". Thus meaning he wasn't sorry and that he thinks I'm weak.

The following day, over the phone, he called Muslims as all foreigners, dark skinned and terrorists. I gave him a piece of my mind. Surprisingly without swearing. He wants respect for his religion and yet disrespects another. I know of white skinned, British born and raised, Muslims who wouldn't harm people. I have a crazy idea called: coexistence.

He then brought up the subject of religious education. Every time I pointed out that it's there to teach kids, about other people's beliefs, how they live and not to teach what individuals should believe, he kept trying to change the subject. He then went on about fighting off two guys to impress a girl, who turned out to be a chat bot, as if she was a game.

The next two days he said he'd ring at certain times cause he wanted to talk to me about something. I wasted two afternoons waiting for calls that never came. He called when I was in the bath and then wanted me to get in touch with him. Without sarcasm, I replied that I was busy. I had just gotten out the bath, gotten dressed and about to go cook dinner. Followed by settling down for the night and going to sleep. Instead of asking he assumed it was sarcasm and give me an excuse. He then rung me knowing that I was busy as if he expected me to answer. At which point I had lost my temper with him.

I gave him a long message of what he had done to hurt me over the past week and told him I want to be alone for awhile. Why should I put up with being hurt so much by someone, who claims to care about me, so carelessly? He gave me a long message claiming that putting a tone of voice would make a difference. When I finally listened the following afternoon - it didn't. He only repeated his excuse for not calling. I ignored his clear attempts at buttering me up, calling me strong, saying he doesn't want to fight me but for our relationship. He dealt a deep blow and expects an excuse to cover that. It's like putting a band aid on an open artery.

I simply replied that I have lost trust in his words. He then tried to make it out that I was depressed and, using magic, force himself on me. Thing is I wasn't depressed at all. Even so I am capable of healing myself after a betrayal. So having that forced on me was another insult. Since Mia betrayed me, over a year ago, I've become a lot stronger but less trusting of people. I have come to expect to be hurt by others. In my experience it is those closest to you that hurt you the most.

He accused me of not following advice I had been given in a dream. Yet, I was, at that very moment. On the night of the 12th, I had a dream where I was chained by two people by my wrists. Another approached me from the front and said he wanted to talk. I unpicked the locks using magic, told him "you chained me up and you want to talk to me? Nah, doesn't work like that." and walked off. He tried following but I punched him in the face. 

Since then I've sorted my private facebook out so he can't see half of my posts. I admit I vented my anger via sharing links and pictures I've found in my feed that I've set to friends only. It's my private facebook, nothing gets shared publicly, if I can help it. On my public, I posted that standing up for myself doesn't mean that I have depression and people who think that need help.

This is all on top of drama from my mother. Aside from the odd tantrum she's slowly becoming more supportive. My father has also been causing drama...getting violent over petty things. His temper is like that of a volcano: dormant for a long time but erupts violently and is over just as quick. Both of them wanting me to move out and claiming I have no purpose in life because I'm stuck on esa. I also have my esa trial coming up after dwp contractor, atos, claimed to be able to read my mind and that my social anxiety is none existent. My parents don't know because I know they'll make a mountain out of a mole hill.  Regardless of the outcome, if my anxiety does flare up again, I'll be looking at claiming for disability.

"You do not have to believe but you must understand."

Quote from my first Religious Studies lesson, September 2003.

A letter to myself

Dear my 13 year old self,

Very soon things will take a turn for the worst and you'll spend the majority of your life fighting demons. Your mother has failed to teach you how to be a normal and healthy adult. She has been trying to break you since childhood. Stay strong. It's what will keep you alive.

Shortly the daily routine of being sweared at, called all the names under the sun, compared to black sheep of the family and general bullying will take it's toll on you. You will exhaust every option available to you. Friends will abandon you, bullies will be everywhere you look, teachers will abuse their power, social services will believe your mother, police will threaten to arrest you. You will forever be alone. You always have felt alone, isolated and introverted. I'm afraid this won't change.

Before your 18th you will fight depression. You will be seen as weak and attention seeking. You are far from weak. You'll beat depression twice and without any help. The suicidal feelings will stop but may creep in from time to time as life throws at you many storms. You will quit self harming but may rarely cave in.

I'm proud of you. Soon you will find someone you love but you will break stereotypes and the law. In your early teens you will come out as a lesbian. You've never had an issue exploring your sexuality and will indulge your curiosity. Switch off in sex education. It only teaches you how to be raped. Break the law and watch porn, as unrealistic as the scenes are, it's your only source of education at the time.

You'll be engaged before your 16th. You will feel her pain. I mean every pain...stubbed toes, burnt thighs, broken knee...yet she's miles away. Sure, you'll get engaged but it won't last. She'll cheat on you with her best friend and then ask you for relationship advice. By all means help her but for heaven's sake stick the middle finger up at her!

In your college years, things won't calm down. Oh no, my dear, they're merely picking up. You'll be accosted by a middle aged man. You will never feel any pleasure on that cheek again. Don't confide in your mother. She'll only call you stupid.

Your 18th year will be the best you'll have in a long while. Enjoy it while you can. It's a smooth year filled with fun, confidence and sun. The only regret you'll have is not doing more of the enrichment activities like rock climbing and walks in Dalby forest up on the North York Moors. You can always do those things another time.

Then into the harsh world of capitalism. You'll be treated like dirt. Old men will continue to harass you. You'll work for an agency. It's been awhile since you've had a boyfriend. This one you'll meet at work. You'll overhear the interviews, give your opinions and make the final call. The two guys will fight for your affection. One will insult you without realizing it. The other will rape you.

To make things worse you'll soon lose your job for having panic attacks. You'll be overwhelmed with the stress you have tolerated since childhood. It will nearly destroy you. Before your 13th you already experienced being over weight and now you will face the other extreme. The panic attacks will cripple you.

You be bed bound, lose 20kg in a month, have 24+ attacks a day. In your darkest hour you will wish never to wake up. When you are finally given treatment, you will wrap up in 4 layers of clothes, while everyone else is in tshirts. You will need support to walk and slowly hobble to the bus stop.

During therapy you will give 110%, be drained of what energy you have and begin a long process of recovery. Seek alternative therapy like chinese medicine. Trust me it will save your life and change it for the better. Remember how you didn't like your fruit and veg? You do now!

Long ago you started researching food as medicine. Now you'll crave to learn more about healthy diet and exercise to the point where you'll be using yourself as a guinea pig and dishing out advice. Those that do listen will reach their goals. You will do something you've always been afraid to do and enjoy it so much you'll be addicted: running.

You'll also discover your spiritual side is much more than what the church can handle. Just before they throw you out, a spirit will warn you and you won't step in a church to worship again. You'll wonder around looking at zen Buddhism before stumbling on wicca. While dancing in the middle of the night isn't your cup of tea you'll be awakened to who you really are. All the crap these 10 years will throw at you will make sense.

This is merely a taste of the craziness you'll experience. Don't worry you'll be teetotally sane throughout despite what others may think. But the key piece of advice that will save your life:-

Stay strong, my dear, because I love you